Hero's Story
by Overseer47
Summary: Well, friends, the action is reaching its climax in the final chapter of the Arfenhaus Drive arc and it's the biggest battle yet. The Titans come to call on Team Arfenhaus, but they might be in for a bit more than they can handle alone...
1. Prelude to Insanity, Chapter 1

Overseer47: Sup! Overseer here! Yeah, I finally wrote something after procuring my account nearly a year ago (or more, I've forgotten). I was gonna do an angsty, serious fic, but it was turning up crap, since I've actually never written fiction before; so I did what came naturally and wrote this. I really have no idea _what _this is. It's humor! It's angst! It's action! It's the story that doesn't even take _itself_ seriously. Anyway, here it is: But first, a disclaimer! Do the honors, will you Beast Boy? 

Beast Boy: Overseer does not own the Teen Titans, especially me! (whispering) what a loser…

Overseer: You son of a… HERE COMES THE PAIN! (beats Beast Boy over the head with a piece of raw meat)

BB: OW… ( rubs head. Hand comes away covered in bloody meat) I'm psychologically damaged for life…

Overseer: ROLL IT YOU FOOL!!!

BB: bastard.

Overseer: two words - LIQUIFIED… PIG.

BB: OKAY, OKAY!!!

_'Transcending history,___

_and the world,_

_A tale of souls and swords,_

_eternally retold.'_

_(funky orchestral theme starts playing)_

Overseer: …

BB: Whoops. Wrong reel.

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Hero's Story 

Prelude to Insanity; Chapter 1: Who Cares What It's Called?  
  
__

_What if the most powerful being in the universe was discovered living among us? What if he didn't want to be who he was? What if he just wanted to live his own life as a normal person? What if he was pressured to be something he wasn't? Well, I'm here to tell you the story of that person, but before I tell you that story, I have to tell you this one...  
  
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_Titans Tower, 4:04 AM  
  
_A sound rung through the cold, sterile corridors of the Titans tower. A sound hated, feared, and reviled by every one of its inhabitants...  
  
_BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.  
  
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.  
  
BLEEP BLEE...click  
  
_"Robin here," said a voice, heavy laden with drowsiness and fatigue. "Huh? What? Who the hell tries to rob a bank at four in the morning?" A pause. "Yeah, well, tell it to the pigs, we gotta sleep SOMEtime..." The voice, now quite clearly Robin, jabbed sarcastically into the phone. Another short pause, and then Robin's sharp reply: "NO, I'm being PERFECTLY SERIOUS. Jeez, have a sense of humor... we'll be there as soon as we can."  
  
Robin hung up the phone.  
  
Cyborg, Starfire and Beast Boy stepped into the main living area, approaching the computer console where Robin stood.  
  
"The Bleep!" Wailed Beast Boy. "Night, and still it haunts us!" Starfire gave Beast Boy an odd look and walked up to Robin.  
  
"Who was that?"  
  
"Some local reporting a bank robbery on the East side of the city," Robin replied.  
  
"Who the hell robs a bank at four o' clock?" Cyborg said drowsily.  
  
"That's what I asked him."  
  
"Whatever. Let's go suit up."

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_Jump City, Motel 6. 4:11 AM  
  
_A jet black Toyota Supra pulled up in the Motel parking lot, heavy metal blaring in the massive trunk stereo. The license plate was from California; it read: '_SOLFIRE_'. The car's twin turbo engine roared loudly enough to wake the dead. In fact, the car's driver had often said it was louder and more powerful than an Orfalicon that has just sat on a Malgorr, whatever _that _meant. At the wheel was a tallish nineteen year-old boy with black hair worn in a style much like Robin's, but spiked up into two flaring, almost hornlike clusters of spikes sweeping past the back of his head. The hairstyle made him look nearly demonic. His hazel eyes, almost a goldish color, were only half-open. As soon as he parked, he slumped in his seat; he looked almost asleep.  
  
"If I _ever _try to drive that far again, somebody hit me with something heavy," he said to the air, "ah well, might as well try to find something to eat..." The boy stepped out of the car. He was garbed in a loose fitting white T-shirt emblazoned with the words: 'GO FAST OR SUCK' in giant bold letters, black jeans, and skate shoes. A black denim jacket with the front open was around his shoulders. He looked around. Across the street there stood three signs: 'DJINN IN THE BOX- OPEN 24 HOURS', 'DICKIES', and 'JUMP FIRST NATIONAL BANK'.  
  
"Schweet."  
  
-------------------------------------------------

_Titans Tower, 4:09 AM_  
  
The fully suited Titans met back in the central room of the tower. At least, four of them did.  
  
"Where is Raven?" Starfire inquired.  
  
Robin looked about jadedly. "Someone go get her."  
  
"She's meditating." Said Beast Boy  
  
"OK", said Robin, "scratch getting Raven... unless one of you feels like getting blown up today."  
  
"Nah, I'm good."  
  
"Just got blown up yesterday."  
  
"What exactly is meant by 'blown up'?"  
  
"Alrighty then", said a still groggy Robin. "TITANS...! Uhh..."  
  
"...go?"  
  
"THAT'S what I meant to say."  
  
The four tired Titans stepped in the elevator and began their slow, six- story descent down the giant T. Upon reaching the bottom, they all piled into the crowded T-car and sped off into the night.  
  
-------------------------------------------

_Djinn-In-The-Box, 4:12 AM  
  
_The black car's mysterious and tired driver stepped up to the entrance of the hamburger stand.  
  
"Might as well find out what's going on in this town." He walked over to a nearby newspaper dispenser and inserted a quarter into the slot. He retrieved his _'Jump City Scout'_ and walked into the restaurant. Various pictures of a man with blood-red hair stared down at him from the walls, an eerie smile plastered on each one's face.  
  
He stared one of the pictures in the face. It smiled even more broadly and flipped him off.  
  
"WHOA. Maybe not sleeping for three days wasn't the best idea..." He shook his head violently and walked up to the counter. "Number six with a coffee." He said to the bored looking cashier.  
  
"You want coffee with that?" Drawled the cashier, obviously very tired himself.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock." The teenager in the jacket growled irritably. But he reprimanded himself mentally, _Crap, they're probably gonna spit in it now, Ryan, you dumbass_. "Well," he muttered to himself, "at least I got here." He strode over to a small table in the corner and opened his newspaper. Without even glancing at the front page, he went straight to the 'Cars' section. "Heh heh... some poor bastard selling his gold plated rims... oh, twelve inches... not good..."  
  
"Number 47", the cashier called.  
  
The teenager, now identified as Ryan, walked to the counter to retrieve his food. He picked up the tray and returned to his table. Opening the lid on his cup, he peered into the dark liquid. "Meh. Guess I was wrong." He downed half the cup in one swallow, and immediately began to feel slightly more awake. _Ah, that helped_, he thought to himself. He unwrapped his burger and prepared to take a bite, but paused momentarily. He opened the bun and looked inside.  
  
"Bastard."  
  
-------------------------------------------------

_Jump City, West side; T-Car. 4:14 AM  
  
_"Your foot is on my foot!"  
  
"Well your giant metal butt is on my hand!"  
  
"Can both of you please just shut up?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Yes, sleep deprivation does marvelous things, doesn't it folks? As you can see, the Titans were very different people when they were tired. And being in a cramped car speeding downtown to stop armed bank robbers at four in the morning didn't really help their mood. Of course, none of this bothered Starfire, as she was, well, asleep. Robin shook her gently.  
  
"Wake up, we're almost there."  
  
"How come she got to sleep?"  
  
"Did I ever say you couldn't?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"You're driving, moron."  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
---------------------------------------

_Djinn-in-the-Box, 4:15 AM  
  
_Ryan pushed away his spitburger in disgust, and grabbed his paper, flipping it back to the front page. The front page headline read: _'SLADE SRTIKES AGAIN_'.  
  
"Nothing I'm too concerned about," said Ryan, looking quickly over the article. A particular line caught his eye: '..._the Teen Titans made a valiant effort to capture the criminal, but Slade managed to work his magic and escape once again, without a trace_.'  
  
Ryan laughed slightly. "_Teen Titans_? What kinda name is _Teen Titans_? You can't go anywhere in this world without running into these super-types..." His eyes moved toward the picture, which was quite large, covering almost half the page. It depicted several teenagers standing on a pile of dismantled humanoid robots. There was a boy in tights, who appeared to be yelling at the head of a robot, another boy, who almost _was_ a robot, a girl trying desperately to hide her face behind her hooded cloak, and a green kid. Ryan was uninterested by these bizarre people, hardly giving them a glance, but he was looking intently at the girl next to them, the one with red hair and green eyes, whose bewildered stare seemed very familiar to him.  
  
_No...it couldn't be... Course', not too many humans out there with orange skin_... He looked back to the article and began to read fervently. ' _The Titans, who include Robin, Cyborg, Beast Boy, Raven and Starfire, (pictured at left)..._'  
  
Ryan's mind raced furiously. _Starfire... Starfire... star-freakin'-fire_... he thought to himself, _What would that be_..._Fire_, _star_... _kori_..._fire_, _and'r_, _star_...  
  
"Holy shit."  
  
--------------------------------------

_Jump City First National Bank, inside. 4:15 AM  
  
_Edward James wasn't a novice bank robber. At least, he wasn't in the sense that he had done this sort of thing before. Unfortunately for Edward, he wasn't very good at it; every last one of his past four robberies had gone bad. But nothing, _nothing _could stop him this time around, not even those wretched Titans. _This_ time would be different. _This_ time it was all planned out. _This_ time he wasn't alone. _This_ time he hadn't tripped the alarm. _This_ time he had seven armed men at his back, and a 'hostage'. Yes, it was all just perfect. Jump City's police force had grown fat and lazy since the arrival of the Titans. No one ever called the _police_ anymore; it was always those blasted Titans. But tonight... the Titans would be no more, and Edward James could disappear forever. Maybe to Hawaii, or Paris... someplace nice...  
  
The leader of Edward's mercenaries, a lanky man with facial features that would remind a person of some sort of rodent awakened Edward from his daydream. The mercenary captain clutched an MP5-K submachinegun in his gloved hand.  
  
"Sir, we have the cash in the van. Why don't we leave?"  
  
"Because," Edward explained, "I have to be rid of them."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"THEM," said Edward with a maniacal smile. "THEM."  
  
The mercenary leader decided it was best to humor his employer; he was just here to get paid. "Ah," he said with a sudden air of clarity, "THEM..."  
  
"Tell your men to load up their guns, and keep at least one man at the door at all times. They'll arrive soon, and I must go prepare." Edward commanded the captain.  
  
"Yes, sir," the mercenary assented, though he was still completely clueless as to exactly who "they" were.  
  
"Oh, and captain."  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"Attempt capture before attack. Shoot to maim, not kill; _I _must be the one to finish them."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
--------------------------------------

_Jump City First National Bank, outside. 4:15 AM  
  
_The T-car pulled up silently beside the bank, and the four Titans got out.  
  
"Cyborg," said Robin, "what do we have?"  
  
Cyborg adjusted his bionic eye to heat scan and peered at the wall: or, rather, through it. His vision became a sea of dark blue and green, with several brightly colored splotches.  
  
"Looks like we got seven, mebbe eight bodies. I'm guessing the one that's seated is a hostage; the others are all armed. Looks like submachineguns, no rifles, but I might be wrong."  
  
"Armor?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Sidearms?"  
  
"None that I can spot. But it's always possible."  
  
"Explosives?"  
  
"Doubtful."  
  
Robin instantly assumed his role as leader. "All right, this shouldn't be too hard, but if we charge in, we'll get slaughtered. Cyborg and me can both take a bullet and walk away from it, so we'll go in first, save the hostage, and disarm as many as we can, then Starfire and Beast Boy will move in, and with a little luck we'll have them."  
  
"Y'know your body armor will only protect you for so long, Robin, and if they're using AP rounds you'll be dead in a second. " Cyborg added.  
  
"I know, that's why we've got to catch them off guard and disarm as quickly as possi..."  
  
"I can disarm them much faster than you can, Cyborg," Starfire interrupted.  
  
"But you've got no armor," he protested.  
  
Starfire paid no attention. "Robin, how many Birdarangs can you throw at once, accurately?"  
  
"Three, why?"  
  
"All right, if we slip in unnoticed and get on opposite sides, we can catch them in a surprise double pincer movement: you attack first, and disarm three at once, including the ones holding the hostage. Then, as you draw fire from the remaining three, I will slip in from behind them and disarm them with Starbolts. Then Beast Boy and Cyborg will run in and we can finish them."  
  
The other three stared at her.  
  
"Where'd you learn that?" Beast Boy asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"_That_!" They all said simultaneously.  
  
"What, you think princess lessons are just picking flowers and looking pretty?"  
  
-----------------------------------

_Djinn-in-the-Box, 4:17 AM  
  
_"No freakin' way!" Ryan shouted at his newspaper. "That's not even possible!" He ran up to the counter and tossed the paper down in front of the cashier. "Tell me where I can find the Teen Titans!" he nearly shouted at the attendant.  
  
"Why the hell should I tell you?" The cashier said spitefully, still quite miffed at Ryan's previous remark.  
  
"Because if you don't, I'll shove that spitburger you made me straight up your nose and into your brain."  
  
"Ah," said the cashier, "that's why."  
  
"Congrats! You got it! Give the man a freaking million bucks! Now tell me where I..."  
  
_BambamBRATTATAbambambam BRATATATATATATAT Bambambam BRATA-TA-TATA-TAT-TAT!!!!!  
  
_"Hold that thought."  
  
---------------------------------

And so concludes the first chapter in my epic tale... Okay, so it's not so epic. But hey, it's my first one, cut me a break, okay? Anyway, I'll bet some of you know who Ryan is! And I _know _I changed a lot of stuff about him from the comic, so don't rag on me about it. I mean, the dude looked like #$&ing _He-Man_!_ I'm_ gonna change a lot more stuff too, so just leave it alone. Please.  
  
If you got the Djinn-in-the-Box thing, good for you! If not, well that's okay too... it was just something stupid I thought up at the last minute. Just paying homage to an inspiration (I'm such a fanboy).  
  
Please review, criticism and/or suggestions are appreciated, flames will be farted upon.

Thank you.


	2. Prelude to Insanity, Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I owneth not the Teen Titans! They art the property of yonder comic publisher, DC! DC, sueth not I, thy meek and honorable author, for I writeth fiction for thine masses of insatiable fans!

Beast Boy: What the hell does that mean?

Overseer47: The Titans aren't mine! Please don't sue!

BB: HA HA! You're gonna get sued!

Overseer: Shut up now, or I'll kill you in the third chapter.

BB: Shutting up! Shutting up!

Overseer: Good. Roll it. Go.

BB: ...

Overseer: NOW!

BB: Yipe!

Oh, and one last note. Since asterisks don't seem to work on this stupid site, a character's thoughts will now be typed in italics, so if you see a long passage thusly written, then know that it implies thought, not stress. For instance:

"_Crap!_"_ = stressed word_

"_I wonder if the new episodes of Family Guy start soon..._" = thoughts

Just thought I'd clear that up.

Prelude to Insanity; Chapter 2: You Mean YOU Care? Why?

The sound of gunfire tore through the night air; the sound of rapid bursts of automatic fire occasionally interspersed with singe shots from a handgun were easily heard from blocks away.

"Shit!" Robin cursed, "It wasn't supposed to go quite like this..."

Though to her credit, Starfire's plan had worked quite well, and would have had an even more impressive effect if not for Robin's slight miscalculation. You see, when Robin threw his three Birdarangs, two hit dead on, disarming the two gunmen guarding the hostage. However, his errant third projectile missed its target by several inches due to his slightly off aim, most likely a result of his severe lack of sleep. As a result, he was now under slightly heavier fire than he had been planning for, and he was trying desperately to stay alive: dodging jumping and rolling to avoid the deadly bullets. He knew that his Kevlar body armor would protect him, but only if he was hit in the chest. Not only that, but the Desert Eagle .50 cal Magnum pistol clutched in the palm of one of the men would most likely blow right through his protective suit. Thus, he concentrated on dodging, keeping the mercenaries' attention on him so that...

Starfire flew up behind the men, eyes and fists glowing green... and instantly saw that something was wrong. Not only were there seven men instead of the assumed six, but Robin had failed to disarm one of the three delegated to him. Now the Boy Wonder was under fire from five men, all armed with automatic weapons (except the one with the Desert Eagle). Starfire remained calm and worked quickly, throwing starbolts at a ludicrous pace, disarming the five robbers in the space of a couple of seconds.

"What the FUCK was...?!" A mercenary managed to shout before Cyborg crashed through the front door and blew him away with his sonic cannon. The rest of the thieves had barely enough time to yell their own expletives before a gigantic green bull blasted through the door, pitching men everywhere with its horns.

The battle was over in a matter of seconds.

Cyborg's sonic cannon became a hand again, Beast Boy became human again, Starfire floated to the ground, and Robin began plucking a bit of 9mm out of his armored vest.

"That was too easy," said Cyborg in an almost complaining tone.

"Hey, you should be glad," responded Robin, "we've still got time for some sleep before morning patrol... or we could start early..."

"NO THANKS!" Came the response by all.

---------------------------------------

Meanwhile at the fast food restaurant, Ryan, holding the cashier up by the collar, considered investigating the source of the shots he had heard.

_"Crap, those must've been some guns... It's probably just the bank, not my problem. The cops'll take care of it, or those...heh...'Teen Titans__'_." But in the end, his conscience got the better of him. Or maybe it was just curiosity.

"Call the police," he said over his shoulder to the cashier as he walked out the door. "And wait here, I'll be back. _Probably... _"

He walked briskly over to the bank two doors down, and saw that the front doors had been blown in. Deciding that perhaps the front was not the most tactical entrance, he looked around the corner and saw that a sizeable gap was blown through the wall as well, a result of Cyborg's sonic cannon. Ryan saw the fallen mercenary, also blasted through the wall, and strode up beside him and knelt down. As he checked the man for a heartbeat, he noticed a metallic glint off an object in the moonlight near the unconscious thief's hand.

_"Hmm, this might come in handy later..._"

Inside the wrecked building, the Titans gathered around the hostage. Cyborg removed the man's bonds.

"Thank you all," said the rather elderly man. It was quite odd that he still had his job as night watchman, considering the high crime rate in the area and the fact that he looked as though he were in his mid-fifties. Most of the security and police force veterans in the city had been retired or removed from active service, and been replaced by fresh recruits.

"Where did they put the money?" Robin asked.

"It's in the van outside," said the watchman, "but _you'll_ never get it!"

"Huh?!" The Titans all said at once.

Suddenly the 'hostage' jumped up, pulled a gun, and pointed it at Starfire's head.

Slowly walking around behind her, the mystery man laughed jubilantly, grasping Starfire about the neck with his arm.

"Ha-HA! I knew it! I knew this plan was foolproof! I am the king of all thieves! The lord of villains! The conqueror of the mighty Teen Titans! I AM EDWARD JAMESSSSS!!!" Shouted the revealed criminal.

The Titans readied themselves for combat, but were halted by Edward's raised palm.

"Ah-ah-ah! Don't take another step, or I blow out the lady's brains!" he cackled.

Robin ground his teeth as well as his brain, desperately trying to find a solution, a way to get them all out. There had to be a way... there HAD to.

Robin let out a sigh. "Titans, stand down!"

"Good choice!" The criminal laughed. "But I'm afraid my purpose was to kill you all along! I hardly needed the money anyway." He placed the gun to her temple and prepared to fire...

...and stopped suddenly as he felt something cold and metallic pressed into his back.

"Let the girl go," said a voice from behind him. "Or I blow you away."

Edward paused momentarily to consider his options, and decided that it was the most prudent decision to let Starfire go. Edward James was criminal, a psychopath, and a killer, but he was not stupid. He knew there was no other way that he would get out of the situation alive, and no matter how badly he wanted the Titans dead, they weren't worth giving up his own life for. He withdrew his arm from her neck and she flew back to her friends.

"Good choice," chuckled the mystery voice, "now, drop the gun, and turn around. SLOWLY."

Edward bent down and laid his gun on the floor, then suddenly, a strange smile spread across his face.

"Hehheh... ghehehehe...GHHEHEHHEHE!"

"Titans!" shouted Robin, "get ready!" The Titans assumed fighting stances.

"I'm not going back to prison! I'm never going back! Never!" Edward James was clearly going completely nuts. "I'll-never-go-back! NEVER! I'll KILL YOUUUUU!!!" He whipped around, clutching his gun, and started to pull the trigger...

WHANG.

...and was promptly hit by a pipe. He flew halfway across the room, smacked head-on into the service counter, flipped over it, and slid about thirty feet across the floor before finally coming to a stop against the far wall. Ryan stepped out of the shadows, twirling the pipe dexterously with his fingers. Suddenly he stopped twirling. Starfire stared fixedly at the man who looked very familiar. A single thought lanced through her mind: _Could it possibly be him? _A single thought was in his mind as well: _Holy crap, it's her._

Robin was completely caught off guard by the sudden turnabout. "Wha-who are you, and where's the gun?"

"Gun? Oh, that. No gun, I just jammed this pipe in his back and he totally bought it," Ryan laughed.

"Heh, then nice improv, we owe you one. Thanks," Robin complimented, regaining his composure. "By the way, who are you?"

"It depends," grinned Ryan, "do you want that in English or Tamaranian?"

"Huh? Wha-"

"I knew it!" Starfire shouted, "It IS you! It's you! It's really you! _Ed ec oui Ryand'r_! It's you it's you it's you it's you it's you!" she spouted gleefully, doing a happy little jig that somewhat resembled a cross between a freak dance and a mild epileptic seizure.

"Hey, Kory; _ruf ryja oui paah_?"

There was a slight pause in the conversation as everyone just sort of stared at each other.

Finally Starfire introduced him:

"I would like you all to meet my brother!"

"You have GOT to be kidding me." Beast Boy muttered.

Both Tamaranians raised an eyebrow at him.

"I apologize for my teammate," said a slightly annoyed Robin, "he's a little oblivious. Anyway, I'm Robin."

"Sup," said the Tamaranian, grasping the hero's outstretched hand.

"Beast Boy."

"Yo."

"I'm Cyborg"

"I gathered."

"No, no. I'm Cyborg. My name is Cyborg."

"Ah, that's creative."

"Oh, real funny."

"I'm glad you think so."

"I see you've got your sister's literalness."

"I did for the first couple of years, but it wore off. I was just being sarcastic."

"The first couple of years?"

"Ug. Looong story."

Starfire, who had somehow manged to stay silent all this time, could no longer contain her excitement, and erupted into a long stream of questions for Ryan, all of which were in rapid Tamaranian.

"Whoa, Kory! Hold it! I'd love to catch up, but I just finished driving here from Los Angeles, and I'm kinda beat."

"Whoa, all the way from LA? That's a long drive," said Cyborg, "d'you have a place to stay?"

"Not yet, but I'll find something."

"You can come and stay with us!" Starfire said eagerly.

"You guys have a place?"

"Yeah, we- Oh, hold up," said Robin, looking down at his wrist communicator, "we're getting another alert."

"But- but I have not yet acquired the opportunity to talk with my brother!" Starfire objected, "I have not seen him in nearly ten years!"

"What?!"

"Another long story," Ryan explained.

"Well, why don't you come with us?" asked Cyborg, "If you're anything like Star, then we could really use you."

"Nah, superheroing was never really my thing. Besides, you guys are a team, I'd probably only get in your way."

"Aight, then you can meet us back at our place. Here's the address," said Cyborg as a slip of paper printed out of a slit in his robotic arm. You'll know it when you see it; you really can't miss it."

"Thanks, seeya Kory. I'll tell you everything later."

"Farewell! We shall talk soon!"

"Uh-huh. Later."

The teenagers all hopped into their respective cars and sped off into the night, the Titans heading off in the direction of the alert signal and Ryan heading for Titans tower. Unfortunately for him, he would be having another surprise that night, and this one wouldn't be half as pleasant as the last.

----------------------------------------------

Well, chapter two is done, Ryan is identified, and I have yet another disclaimer. The name Ryand'r is not mine, and neither is the fact that he is Starfire's brother. All credit for that stuff goes to DC. Other than that, everything else about him is mine. As for all you comic book junkies, as I explained before, I HAD to change his looks. He looked like He-Man, OKAY?! I'm sure most of everyone has no idea what I'm talking about. Who reads comic books these days anyway?


	3. Prelude to Insanity, Chapter 3

Overseer47: Well, it's down to the moment of truth: should I kill Beast Boy or not?

Beast Boy: NOT!

Overseer: Tell you what, we'll make a deal.

BB: What kind of deal?

Overseer: you eat this three-inch slab of steak and we'll call it even.

BB: Can I have it in tofu?

Overseer: no.

BB: Crap.

Overseer: (smiling) While Beast Boy's making himself sick; you can have fun reading this!

(Vomiting sounds off camera)

Overseer: If you throw it up, it doesn't count! Raven! Roll film!

Raven: whatever.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, this chapter has been sliced in half! Sorry for the shortness!

Prelude to Insanity; Chapter 3: Really? Well, Okay...

Ryan Anders, a.k.a. Ryand'r, prince of Tamaran, sped through the night in his Supra. As buildings and streetlamps flew by, Ryan reflected on the events of the night so far. He had come to Jump City all the way from The City of Angels, got his burger spit in, hooked up with his little sister, whom he hadn't seen in nearly ten years, stopped a bank robbery turned attempted murder, and was now on his way to a tower he had never heard of, on a harbor he didn't know existed, in a city he had never seen before in his life... to tell his story to a bunch of spandex-clad superheroes.

"Yup, you've really screwed yourself this time," he smirked. "Hmm, 337 Harbor Way... ah, here it is," he said, pulling up to an.... "An abandoned parking structure," he remarked sarcastically, rechecking the address as he drove into the building. "Yeah, this is it. Hmm? What's this?" He looked further down the paper. "'Passcode: 87135' I wonder what... " He flipped on his high beams and looked around him. There was a keypad over on the far wall. Ryan got out of his car, leaving the door open, and walked over to the wall. He looked briefly at the panel and then punched in the code. The mechanism emitted a short series of mechanical whirrs and clicks and the whole wall fell away, revealing a ramp heading down through a dimly lit tunnel.

"'Drive through'," he read off the paper. He jumped back into his car, started the motor, and headed through the opening. The door shut behind him.

Meanwhile, the Titans had arrived at the scene of the crime, a jewelry store heist.

"Man, why does Jump City have all the early bird criminals?" Beast Boy complained.

Starfire was practically beside herself with anxiety to get back to the tower, "Hurry up, all of you! We must return as hastily as possible!"

"Dude, Star, what's your prob? I mean, I'm sleepy too, but sheesh..."

Cyborg elbowed Beast Boy in the stomach. "I'm sure you'd be just like that if you had a brother you hadn't seen for ten years waiting for YOU," he reprimanded as Beast Boy doubled up.

"Whatever, let's just get this over with, I need my beauty sleep," he gasped.

"Titans, go!" Robin shouted, leaping through the shattered window of the jewelry shop. The other three followed suit, with Starfire flying through, as they confronted the villain in the rear of the shop.

"Ahah!" shouted the thief, clutching his bag of precious stones. "I thought you might show up! Allow me to introduce myself," he cried, turning around. He wore a formal suit and swirling cloak; both completely white, with a red 'B' hastily scrawled on a piece of lined paper stapled to his suit coat. A brown paper bag with a single blacked-out eyehole covered his head. "I am the evil DR. BAD-MAN!"

While the Titans facevaulted, he jumped out the window and got away entirely.

-----------------------------------------------

Back at the tower, Ryan had reached the end of the tunnel, the Titan's garage. Needless to say, he was impressed.

"_Dang, whoever spends their time here is a true gearhead_", he thought as he got out of his car, slamming the door behind him.

"Damn! Nice bike," he couldn't help but say aloud as he spied Robin's motorcycle. "I wonder if they'd let me take it for a spin..."

Unfortunately for Ryan, Raven had remained at the tower meditating while the others stopped Edward James' bank robbery, and was thus unaware of Ryan's being Starfire's brother, or even his existing. That was, until she saw him on the security monitor. She had just completed her morning meditation session on the roof of the tower and was heading to the kitchen to get some herbal tea when she spotted him moving around the garage and eying Robin's motorcycle. It would seem her morning tea would have to be postponed. She considered getting the others, but it was too early for them to be up anyway. Besides, he didn't look so tough...

------------------------------------------------

"Aiighghhhhh!!!" Robin screamed at the sky. "I don't believe it! Beaten by our own anime...like...ness...whatever you call it!"

"Hey, having eyes that span half of your head gives you amazing peripheral vision," Cyborg commented.

"Dude, let's just go. I need some sleep."

"Yes! Let us depart quickly, my brother awaits!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Let's go then."

-----------------------------------------------

Ryan finally tore himself away from Robin's motorcycle and headed for the elevator. To his surprise, it was on its way down even before he pressed the button. A suspicious look crossed his face, and he stepped back from the elevator. He did not, however, assume a fighting stance and remained loose against his better judgment. After all, he was among friends, wasn't he? Who could it possibly be who would attack him in a superhero headquarters? He stood and waited for the doors to open. He watched the lighted numbers above the door tick down: six... five... four... three... two... G... B1.

The doors opened. It was like something out of a low budget horror movie: A black wind erupted from the elevator, a girl in a cloak and hood, her hair down over her face, her arms outstretched was inside. Ryan just stood there as the wind blew around him, the gale of energy scattering tools and parts everywhere.

"And who might you be?" he asked, as if it were just a routine greeting.

"You know, I was about to ask you the same thing," said Raven, raising her head and staring straight at him.

"I asked first."

"I don't have time for this," Raven said impatiently, throwing up her hands. "Azarath Metrion ZINTHOS!" Black energy flew from her fingertips, forming a large clawed hand, which grabbed Ryan and pinned him to the wall.

"Huh, that's interesting," Ryan said nonchalantly, looking at the giant arm holding him against the wall. "You really don't know how to treat your guests, do you, Raven?"

"Guest?"

Ryan appeared cool and controlled, but in his mind, he knew that the energy that bound him was incredibly strong; even he couldn't break it with physical strength alone, even though he was a Tamaranian. He decided to try a different tactic.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I know your name?"

"You're... not from around here, are you? I'm a Titan. _Everyone _knows my name."

"Hm, I didn't know. Forgive me Captain Ego. Sheesh... And yes, I am your guest. Here, maybe this'll convince you." He tossed the paper slip Cyborg gave him across the room. Raven bent down and picked up the paper, looking it over carefully.

"I don't think this quite qualifies as an invitation. Where did you get this?" Raven asked with an air of suspicion.

Ryan, taking advantage of her momentary distraction, tensed his body and shattered the energy bonding. Raven felt her spell dissipate, and she quickly looked up from the paper.

"_What? Where did he go?_ _No one's THAT fast._"Raven tried to turn around, but was stopped by the hand that appeared suddenly on her shoulder. Ryan moved his hand up to her head.

"Sorry."

He flicked a point near the base of her skull, close to the brain stem. Raven passed out instantly. He picked up her limp body and walked over to the elevator. A slotted control panel with a computer monitor was on the wall. A message played repeatedly across the screen.

"Please swipe card." He read aloud. "Crap." He glanced over Cyborg's paper, searching for instructions. '_Elevator override passcode: 1111111_' read the paper.

"I'll admit, it's the last thing _I _would've guessed," he mumbled to himself, punching in the number on the panel. The elevator descended and the doors slid open silently.

He stepped inside and hit the 'G' button. The doors slid shut and there was a humming sound as the elevator went up one floor to the ground level. The doors slid open, revealing a windowless room with a large mosaic of a T set into the floor. It appeared to be a lobby of sorts. There was a door, which led outside, some fake plants, chairs, and not much else.

'_Hmm, maybe I got the wrong floor..._' Ryan thought. He pressed the button for floor 2.

This floor, like the previous one, was a single room. This one had no doors, and was filled with various weights and exercise machines. '_Crap._'Third floor. Mats covered the walls and floor, punching bags dangled form the ceiling, and an exotic variety of hand-to-hand weapons sat on racks on the sides. '_Training room._'Fourth floor. Another single room, pictures, maps, blueprints, and newspaper clippings covered the walls. Several tables, laid out with masks, machine parts, tools, cameras, and papers stood in the center of the room. A solitary lightbulb dangled from the ceiling, throwing an eerie light across the ceiling and walls. '_Obsessive-compulsive stalker room?_' The fifth floor was just a lookout, with huge windows, a couple chairs and a couch, and a great view. '_Okay sixth floor, you're my last hope, unless these heroes live underground._'He hit the button. The doors opened, revealing the Titan's main living area. Ryan's first thought was that this floor was bigger than the previous ones. Much bigger. A few stairs led down from the elevator door to the kitchen area, then another small staircase led down to the living room. The living room contained a gigantic computer monitor, which doubled as a video communicator, as well as a big screen TV. In front of the massive television lay an equally huge couch, big enough for seven, perhaps even eight people, as well as several individual chairs. Two doors on opposite sides of the room led off to the Titan's private quarters, and a third staircase led to the roof. '_Finally._' He picked up Raven and walked down the stairs into the large room and set her down on the couch. He then went up in the kitchen area and looked in the fridge...

...and a chair hit him in the back of the head.

-----------------------------------------

Meanwhile, the other Titans had just reached the basement floor garage in the T-car, and were now getting in to the elevator to head up to the sixth floor.

"Hey," said Robin, "I just remembered. I left my key card in the Slade room. Mind if we stop and get it?"

"No problem."

"Hmm..."

"What?"

"I dunno why, but it feels like I forgot something else. But I can't quite figure out what it could be... Oh well, it's probably nothing... "

-----------------------------------------

"AIIIGH! Son of a friggin' BITCH! WHAT is your PROBLEM!?" Ryan clutched the back of his head and screamed at Raven while desperately trying to avoid the rest of the flying energy-encased objects she was flinging at him. "For fuck's sake! I'm one of yours! I'm one of the GOOD GUYS! Hey! Are you even listening to me?"

"I don't know what you did back there, but you made it pretty clear you WEREN'T one of the good guys."

"You trapped me in a giant HAND and pinned me to a wall! What, was I supposed to do, go limp and play dead or something?! I tried to tell you then and I'm telling you now! I'M-NOT-YOUR-ENEMY! He accentuated each word of his last sentence by smashing four of the flying objects to pieces with his bare fists. Ryan's control was deteriorating at an amazing rate and it was showing in his... er... choice of words, as he tossed various expletives about like verbal confetti. "Listen, your friends will be back in a few freaking minutes, then we can sort this whole fucking thing out. Until then... will you please STOP THROWING SHIT AT ME?!!"

Surprisingly enough, Raven stopped. And then pulled back her fist. And jumped at him.

"Oh shit."

WHOP.

And then the elevator doors slid open and the Titans stepped out as Ryan went flying over their heads.

"Hey!" Robin shouted as Raven plowed into Ryan again, her fists glowing black. "What's going on here?!"

"I'll tell you what's going on! Your psychotic girlfriend is trying to kill me, that's what!" Ryan snapped as he dodged and blocked blows from Raven's magically charged fists.

"Hey!" Said Starfire, "I am not... oh!" she blushed. "He means Raven! But she is not..."

"Raven, stop! He's Starfire's brother!" Robin yelled. Raven stopped in mid-swing and stared at Robin. Then she slowly turned to look at Ryan.

"I... uhh... heh... yeah... sort of... " she stumbled, her cheeks burning red under her hood.

_BAM._

Beast Boy rolled his eyes. "There goes the oven."

Ryan sighed and rubbed the back of his head. "That's okay, you had no way of knowing."

"Oh yeah, that's what I forgot! I forgot to tell Raven that Ryan was coming!" Robin exclaimed suddenly.

Ryan and Raven both glared daggers at him.

Starfire ran up to Ryan and began her thorough examination of her brother. "Brother! Are you undamaged? And Raven, how could you hit him?! You..."

"Really, it's okay Kori, she didn't know who I was."

"So, you forgive her?"

"Yes, that was implied previously."

"So! Brother Ryand'r! What bring you to this marvelous planet, and how did you find me?" Starfire asked, reverting back to her normal cheerful self in an instant.

"Actually, I was going to ask you the same thing. See, I've been here since I left."

"What?! Surely you jest, brother!"

"Wait, since you left where?" Robin interrupted.

"Ah, this is the long story I referred to earlier. You should probably sit down, this could take awhile."

"Oh, wonderful," Raven said sarcastically.

--------------------------------------- End Chapter--------------------------------------------

Coming soon: The Whole Story!

Okay, at this point, the next chapter may not come for a bit. Because, first off, I have to wait for Legend Maker's clearance to use Savior in the sequel to Hero's Story. Then, depending on whether or not I get permission, I've got to type up one of two possible storylines, and make a half billion revisions and corrections and with any luck, the end product will be the life story of Ryand'r of Tamaran! It was originally intended as part of this chapter, but that would mean I would be waiting to post this until LM's response came. The chapter was going to be pretty long anyway, so I can afford to split it like this. Personally, I think it works better this way anyhow.

Have faith! The next chapter will come!


	4. Prelude to Insanity, Chapter 4

I own nothing but the shirt on my back. And Ryan. And my pants.

Oh, and I just thought I'd get this out of the way: First, I don't have cable TV, so I'm only just now watching the beginning of the second season. I have no idea what's going on in season three, and I have generally no idea what went on in season two. Thus, Hero's Story is taking place somewhere in the middle of, or after season one (Assuming there is a substantial amount of time past between seasons one and two). Clear?

Second, I know absolutely nothing about the Teen Titans comics (or any comics, for that matter). The only reason I even knew Starfire _had_ a brother was through online research. So I know nothing of the past of Starfire, Ryand'r, Tamaran, or anything even remotely related to that. Therefore, I'm just gonna wing it and see what happens. The story of Ryand'r belongs to Detective Comics. The story of Ryan Anders, however, is a different story altogether...

_-------------------------------------------_

Prelude to Insanity; Chapter 4: Fine, We'll Call It Billy

The Titans walked down the steps and into the living room. Raven, Robin, Starfire, and Cyborg sat on the couch. Beast Boy flopped down in a large chair, and Ryan sat in the one adjacent to him; the only two chairs left after Raven had finished with her rampage.

"Interesting décor..." Ryan commented. "Very, um, modern... But I suppose that's what happens when you leave interior design to five teenagers..."

"So," said Robin, ignoring the comment, "what brings you to Earth?"

"Brought, man, brought. And, well, many things... but hold up a sec," Ryan stopped him, "Before I end up telling you my entire life story, could you at least tell me your names?"

"We've been through this already," Robin answered. "I'm Robin, he's Cyborg, that's Beast-"

"Nonono, I'm talking about your actual names. You don't really walk around twenty –four hours a day in costume calling each other by your field names, do you?"

"Well, no, but I'd prefer it if we got a little more familiar with each other before we start giving out our secret identities," Robin replied.

"Hm, fair enough. Although I haven't really had a chance to meet Raven yet... I mean, besides the chair to the head..."

"I'm Raven, you're Ryan," Raven said in her usual monotone, "what more do you need to know?" Ryan gave her a look of minor annoyance. He was a fairly friendly and patient individual when it came to other people. In fact, he prided himself on his innate ability to get along with nearly anyone; but she was really starting to get on his nerves. Just what was her problem?

"Whatever."

"So, your story!" Starfire said with barely suppressed eagerness. "What have you done in these past nine years?"

"Heh, nine years. Has it really been nine years? It's strange, but it doesn't seem half that long. Time really seems to fly on this planet; it's a great place."

"Um, back to the question?" Beast Boy interrupted.

"Hm. Let's see... You'll have to forgive me; I'm not much of a storyteller... Okay, to start, I'll say that I'm nineteen, by your Earth years. In my native Tamaranian, my name would be Ryand'r. So when I came to Earth nine years ago, I first tried telling people I was Ryand'r. Of course, there aren't too many people in L.A. named Ryand'r and I sort of stuck out in a crowd, considering my unusual clothes and name, not to mention the fact that I couldn't speak any English whatsoever. Fortunately, I was noticed by someone who understood my predicament and offered me his help and friendship. He suggested that I change my name to fit in better on Earth. Thus, I became Ryan Anders, California native. Got the fake papers and everything," he said proudly, flipping open his wallet to reveal a California driver's license. Anyways, the man who suggested the name change was Seig Barthos, who taught me the err... finer points of English and remains one of my best friends even now. That was all in my first year here on Earth."

Then Robin asked the question that was on all the Titan's minds: "But why did you come here anyway? What made you leave Tamaran?"

"Good question. I suppose it was a variety of things, the first and foremost being that Tamaran completely sucked."

Everyone but Starfire looked shocked. She was suddenly fixedly engaged in looking at her nails.

"Well, it did," Ryan said matter-of-factually, "but especially for Komand'r."

"Ko-whohuh?" said a puzzled Beast Boy.

"You know her as my sister, Blackfire," commented Starfire.

"But wait, if you and Blackf- er... Komand'r are siblings of Starfire, then you were Tamaranian royalty. How could life there have possibly...um, sucked...?" wondered Raven.

"Ah, on to long story number two. Where to begin this one... ah, well, there is Tamaranian prophecy, supposedly "seen" by the bullshit liars of Tamaran. ...Also known as the Seer's Council of Tamaran, twelve geezers with about an IQ of about Anyway, the morons prophesized that a child born to the royal family, i.e. my mother and father, would in time be the savior of Tamaran. This was what they "saw", of course, because that was what my parents paid them to "see". The old fogies could hardly "see" their own hands in front of them. They only "saw" what my father and mother wanted them to "see". What they "saw" were in reality only little white lies made up to benefit the royals," he said in a mighty barrage of quotation gestures.

Starfire rolled her eyes, an uncommon action for the cheerful alien.

"You never quit with this story, do you? It was not your fault. None of it was. Yet you repeatedly blame yourself for crimes that you did not commit!"

"Maybe it wasn't my fault. Not directly anyway. But my parent's crimes are in turn my crimes."

"Really? The perhaps they are mine as well? What about Komand'r? Is this her fault as well?"

"Did I _say_ that?"

"No..." Starfire looked at her feet.

Ryan stared fixedly at the ceiling.

Beast Boy broke the silence.

"Crimes? Dude, what are you talking about?"

Ryan sighed.

"The people of my planet believed every word of the prophecy as if it were proven fact. So when the story of the "savior" reached their ears, they went crazy trying to find gifts for their newly discovered messiah The poor pinched every penny to find a suitable gift, the middle class spent every bit of their hard-earned money, and the homeless tore the shirts from their backs! All to benefit a supposed 'savior' who was not yet even born."

Beast Boy was still completely confused.

"But how would that create a bad situation for you? You make it sound as if the whole planet was working to benefit you and your family."

"Yes, and that's exactly it. The whole planet did work to please my parents, while they did nothing. Everything was handed to them by those who were much more deserving, in the hopes that my parents would bear them a hero."

"I can see why you would feel guilt," Robin said meditatively, "but Starfire's right; none of that was your fault."

"How many children did your parents have?" Asked Raven.

"I was the first child born to them; Two years after that, Komand'r came along, followed by Koriand'r a year later. After that, the children just stopped."

"So there were three of you?"

"That's what I said."

"So which one of you guys was the savior?" asked Cyborg.

"_Supposed _savior." Ryan corrected him. "Well, ours is one of those unfortunate societies that favors its males above its females; and seeing as I was the only son as well as the firstborn, almost everyone assumed that I was the 'savior'. On top of that, from my birth I was clearly more powerful then the average Tamaranian. At five years old, I was beating on grown men. Everyone thought it was some sort of sign: 'The Savior!'"

"Hey," said Robin, "would you stop using that word? It makes the lawyers uncomfortable. We're riding the edge of copyright laws as it is."

-Freeze frame- 

(A large-chinned man with a blindingly white smile walks into the room.)

"Savior is the property of the author Legend maker and is in no way affiliated with our organization! .........Yet........."

(walks out)

Ryan stared at the door.

"Who the hell was that?"

Robin shrugged. "Official spokesman. We get 'em all the time."

-_We now return to our regularly scheduled program._-

"...So, I was always showered with gifts. I was the most celebrated person on the entire planet; there wasn't a single person who didn't know my name. Baskets and boxes covered the palace grounds, all gifts from the commoners. Food, toys, clothes: 'for the savior'! People lined up to kiss my forehead: 'Blessings from the savior!' They never even entertained the possibility that either of my sisters could ever be the champion." Ryand'r shook his head solemnly. "And to think that I once reveled in it all... I was young and immature, too blinded by my own youthful ignorance to see the suffering I was causing. People who could hardly support themselves were giving over half what they earned to me, all because they truly believed what they were told: that I would save them one day. But as I became older, I become more aware, more mature. I began noticing things that I overlooked as a child. I began to see the suffering of the wretched. I saw the elderly and weak, barely able to stand with age and fatigue, crawling up the thousand steps to the Golden Palace to kneel at my parent's feet. I saw the poor giving up everything they had and more to benefit us in any small way they could. I saw small children, younger even than me, breaking their back in the factories and smith shops to craft unnecessary contrivances to make our lives easier. I saw it all, and contemplated in my head the cause of their suffering. And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became, and the clearer it became, the more miserable it made me. I had deduced that I was the cause of my people's suffering. But it would take one last revelation for me to make up my mind on the matter."

"Komand'r," Starfire said, her usual unguarded smile replaced by a much more solemn look.

"Yes, Komand'r," Ryan continued, "the only person in or family to which misfortune ever seemed to come. From the moment she was born things just didn't go her way. First, she was second born, next, she was a girl, and lastly, she couldn't fly. This last one was especially crushing for a Tamaranian; flight is a given in our society, the lowest of the low still had the power of flight, even from birth. But Komand'r... from the moment they knew, right after her birth, the doctors swore that she would never fly, that she was just too weak. In fact, my parents would have had her put down then and there, utilized some propaganda, and pretended that they had never had a second child; they were so disappointed with this flightless... _thing_ before them. But I stepped in. I was only two years old at the time, but I managed to make it clear that I wanted her alive... Specifically by breaking both legs of the doctor attempting to administer the injection that would have killed her. Resentfully, my parents agreed to raise her, and she was never told about the... incident."

"Wait, hold on," Cyborg said, "when Star had that little go-around with Blackfire, they were fighting in midair. How did Blackfire fly?"

"Little go-around? What do you mean?" Ryan asked him, confused.

So the Titans told Ryan the story of Blackfire's coming to Earth, and the various events that stemmed from it, ending with her being carted off to a Centauri prison camp.

"WHAT?" He said incredulously, "She did _that_?! Oh, man..." He shook his head slowly. "Well, you know it's not really her fault. In fact, it's sort of mine..."

"Well that still doesn't excuse her actions," Robin said, being the law-upholding hero that he was.

"Maybe, maybe not, but still...Anyway, Komand'r learned flight through strict mental and physical discipline. You see, in the years that I spent on Tamaran, I trained Komand'r to the best of my abilities. Since I was the 'savior in training' I had learned martial arts, flight, and bolt technique from the best warriors my planet had to offer. At a young age, I was already beating most of them, but not without picking up on valuable lessons in training and technique, lessons that I endeavored to pass on to my sister...

_-------------------------------------------_

_A burning sun glared down on the palace. Massive ornamental pillars and carvings were everywhere. Everything adorned in brilliant purples and golds, the colors of the Tamaranian royals. In the middle of the grand palace, a courtyard, an expanse of grass and stone tile. And standing in the very center was a very confused young girl. She was a tall child with long black hair. And orange skin. _

"_Ryand'r?" _

_As Komand'r of Tamaran, then five years old, walked slowly through the courtyard, Tamaranian leaders of ages past smiled down on her with faces of carved jade. She, however, felt like frowning. Her brother, it would seem, had stood her up. Let's use our handy Tamaranian to English translator to listen in..._

"_Ryand'r! Where are you? Is this a joke?"_

_A young man's voice drifted down from above._

"_Far from it."_

_Blackfire looked up. A familiar-looking boy hovered above her, his arms crossed over his chest. He dropped out of the sky, his black hair fluttering on the breeze as he dived towards the ground. Ryand'r touched down, dropping into a crouch._

_He looked like a completely different person, his black hair much shorter and, of course, not spiked. He had traded in his Tamaranian royal garments for a training outfit of black and silver, much like the one Blackfire was wearing. His stared his sister straight in the eyes._

"_Ryand'r, what's going on? Why did you call me here?"_

_Ryand'r paid no attention to Komand'r's question, and instead gave her one of his own._

"_They say that you will never be a warrior. Will you prove them wrong?"_

"_Wha- AAA!"_

_Blackfire shrieked in surprise as Ryan leapt at her with an outstretched fist. She dove to the side just in time to avoid the blow and fell to the ground as Ryan soared over her. He rolled of the tile and reversed into a crouch. Komand'r looked back at him. Brother and sister had a short staring match, and then..._

"_HIYAAA!!!" _

_Blackfire jumped to her feet and charged Ryan. Ryan smiled at his sister as she closed the gap between them. So they wouldn't train her, eh? He'd do it. And he'd do a damn good job of it, too... _

_-------------------------------------------_

"As our training continued, I was surprised at her natural strength and agility, considering her sub par powers. A year later she was throwing bolts at a pace to rival mine, but she still couldn't fly. Finally, the year she turned eight years old, the year that I left Tamaran, I decided to try a little experiment. After our daily training concluded, we would often have a sparring match. To make things fair however, I never flew, seeing as she couldn't. And therein was the experiment. I had concluded that unless she really wanted it, she would never fly. So how to make her want it? Well, if there was one thing that she hated, it was losing. It runs in the family," he smirked at Starfire.

"Oh, don't we know it," said Raven dryly.

"That day, I held back a large amount in the match we had, to give her the impression that she was winning. As the battle seemed to be drawing to a close, I flew up into the sky just out of her starbolt range and started pelting her with my own bolts. Even though she was a fair warrior, she still lacked the strength to match my power and range. Of course, no one _else_ could match me either. So anyways, she started to yell at me about not fighting fair, and that she won by default, and that I was being mean and she was going inside and so on; but I knew that she wasn't going to give up that easily. Or at least I _hoped_ she wouldn't. And I was right, she started tossing starbolts at me, but they all missed, then she tears up a small tree and chucks _that_ at me, it also misses; then she throws a raging fit and starts attacking the air and screaming at me about being mean and how I was just being chicken because I was losing, and before she know it, she's eye to eye with me. I don't even think she would've realized it if I hadn't told her. When I finally did tell her, she got so freaked that she started falling," Ryan laughed. "And I just let her fall, and she starts screaming and she sees the ground coming up, and before she knows it, she's flying again. Finally, it seems to hit her that she's actually flying. And she starts laughing and doing loops and rolls in midair, and she flew up and gave me this big hug and..." He sighed. It appeared he had zoned out completely. "That's the best feeling in the world, knowing you helped out someone you care about. That was the first time I ever felt like I was really making a difference. Like my life was actually worth something beyond bringing more wealth and fame to my family."

"Hey, man, don't get all mushy on us," Cyborg said, "what happened next?"

"And what about Star?" Commented Beast Boy. "You keep going on about Blackfire but you really haven't mentioned Starfire at all."

"That's because she didn't contribute to why I left," Ryan replied, "in fact, she was one of the few things that kept me on Tamaran as long as I was. It was her, and the fact that Komi needed me to watch her back. But after we completed her training, she didn't really need me anymore, so I started to concentrate more on Koriand'r. I know my story so far makes it sound like I preferred hanging with Blackfire, but to tell you the truth, I always liked Kory just a little more. Not to cut down Komand'r, but Kory was always just a bit more pleasant to be around. Of course, my being with Starfire more often didn't go over so well with her. She felt as though the one person who had ever paid any attention to her had abandoned her for her little sister; that might have contributed to her being a little resentful of Koriand'r later on. On top of that, Kory was starting to get a lot of attention as well. She was the baby of the family, and the most well-mannered and innocent out of all of us. Naturally, this got her a lot of attention from my parents, who were always either cooing over how cute Kory was or how strong I was becoming. They never really paid any attention to Blackfire at all; as far as they were concerned, she didn't exist. Koriand'r was also well liked by the common folk for being the only royal without a slight attitude problem. All in all, Komand'r was really getting the short end of the stick. And when I started to spend more time with Kory, well that might have got the ball rolling on her bitterness. Anyway, I left the planet that year that without telling anyone. I was angry with my parents for all the lies that they crafted for personal gain. I was angry with my people for being so foolish as to follow them. I was angry with myself for being the means of my parent's deception. They might have assumed I was dead, but there was one spacecraft missing from the palace hangar. No one on Tamaran's had word from me since."

"Wow."

"But how did you get to Earth?" Starfire asked him, "What have you been doing all these years? And where did you get that craft that is docked in our garage?"

"Yeah!" Cyborg chimed in, "That is some machine, man! A Supra twin turbo! Too many mods to count! ...Oh, uh, I popped the hood and took a look, hope you don't mind..."

"Nah, I don't mind at all. Okay... let's see... well, leaving Tamaran was really a bit of an impulse," Ryan laughed, "I think it was right after I got in a shouting match with my father. I'm a fairly logical person, but I am a bit hot-headed."

"Hm. You can relate to Robin on that point," said Raven.

"Heh, birds of a fea-," Ryan started. But Robin held up his hand to stop him.

"Don't. Really. I hate that line. Way, _way_ overused."

"Whatever. So after I left, my first thought was the realization that I had no idea where I was going, I hadn't really completed pilot training, and I was about ten years old. My second thought was 'Who cares?' In fact, if I _had_ known what I was doing, I probably never would've ended up here. You see, there's a reason your planet isn't really visited very frequently by... extraterrestrial beings. You see, this is the only planet in your system, and almost your entire galaxy, that is oxygenated and inhabited by any intelligent organisms whatsoever. Therefore, if there was to be a malfunction or miscoordination on an incoming craft, odds are that the passengers would end up stuck on Mars running out of air. Don't get me wrong though, Earth people, though some of them don't really seem to think it, are probably some of the most civilized people in the entire universe. I've seen some of your movies and literature; we aliens aren't half as peace-loving as you make us out to be. Out of everything I've seen, perhaps _Independence Day_ was the most accurate. Those things looked just like Tricihns, those frigging midget a-holes. You ever try to shoot a Tricihn? Crap, it's tough, those..."

Everyone stared blankly at him.

"I'm off topic, aren't I?"

"Just a tad." Beast boy chimed sarcastically.

"Ehhehhehh... whoops. Well, uh, where was I? Oh yeah. Well anyway, here I was out in space with not a clue as to where I was going. Remember how I said before that I was a bit impulsive? Well, wherever I was going, I just wanted to get there; so I ended up trying to use the lightspeed flight system. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, lightspeed travel was one of the courses I had not completed in pilot training. Had I been a bit more learned or a bit less hot-headed, I might've known that lightspeed travel is only controllable if you actually know where you're going; and of course, I didn't."

"But what makes light speed any easier to control if you know where you're going?"

"Well," explained Starfire, who _had_ completed her pilot training, "it is not truly the fact that you are aware of your destination, but the fact that you input the coordinates of the jump on your onboard computer."

"Which means...?" said an ever-slow Beast Boy.

"Ah, I think I figured it out," interrupted Cyborg, "lightspeed travel is impossible to control manually, it's just too fast; you can't perceive the path ahead of you and react accordingly in the time given, but if you input the coordinates of your destination into the navigating system, then your computer will do the steering for you."

"Precisely," said Ryan. "So, when I attempted the lightspeed jump, I had no coordinates in the autopilot. That resulted in my getting flung all over space with my head glued to the back of my seat and absolutely no way of steering. I'm just lucky I didn't run into an asteroid or something..."

"- Hold on... if you crashed into Earth at light speed, there'd be nothing left of you but dust! How did you survive it?" asked Robin.

Ryan sighed, "Did I ever _say_ I crashed into the earth at light speed? No, after about five minutes of careening about space, my hot-headedness took over again. I decided to err... stop the lightspeed drive manually..."

"You blasted it, didn't you?" said Starfire and Raven simultaneously.

"Excellent guess ladies!" Ryan chirped, a giant grin plastered on his face, "You win a brand new washer and dryer set by Kenmore!!! But seriously, yeah, I did. I blew out the lightspeed drive with a starbolt. So now I was once again able to actually _see _where I was going. Unfortunately, however, the craft was still going too fast to be controlled, and Tamaranian spacecrafts have this remarkable lack of power steering... Luckily for me, a bluey-green orb was coming up in front of me. An inhabitable planet! Guess which one it was...

So there I was, flying through the atmosphere, slowly losing speed and regaining control. At about the time I broke the final cloud layer, I had achieved full control again. But I was also headed straight for the center of a city. I managed to right my craft and land on the roof of an apartment complex. Those apartments just happened to be owned by my good friend-to-be, Seig Barthos."

"Barthos, what an interesting name..." said Raven nonchalantly.

"Zeigk Bartoss?" said Beast Boy quizzically.

"Sieg Barthos." Ryan replied.

"Zeigk Bartoss."

"Right, Seig Barthos. Anyway, it was the middle of the night when I landed. Luckily, there was no one on the street to see me touch down, or the streets would be filled with news reporters and amateur filmmakers in minutes. Anyhoo, I just wandered around the place for a few minutes until Seig found me. After the traditional 'Who the hell are you?' we shook hands, and it triggered my language ability."

Robin nodded. "The same ability that allowed Starfire to understand English when she first met us."

"Tamaranians have the ability to gain a basic grasp of any language through physical contact," Starfire explained.

"Very basic," Ryan added.

"And you were ten Earth years old at the time?" Starfire asked.

"Right."

"How old was Seig?"

"Thirteen."

Robin was wholly surprised, "A bit young to be running your own apartment complex, don't you think?"

"Err, a bit of a complication there. See, his mother had died three years previously, and he was the only living relation. He'd lived there all his life, so he knew the place inside and out. He'd been running it smoothly for three years before I go there, and he's still running it."

"What about the father?" Raven asked, suddenly and inexplicably interested.

"What difference does it make? He's 22 now, perfectly capable of running his own apartment."

"Just curious."

"Well, he's never really told me much... He said his father died right after he was born, he probably knows little more than I do. His name was Adam, Adam Barthos. Blonde hair and blue eyes, just like Seig. According to his mother, he spent a lot of time out of the house, but she never told him what he did. Later, Seig managed to find out it was street racing. His father loved cars, and he owned a rather impressive one himself: an S15 Silvia. He died in a drag racing accident, and left his car to Sieg. At about nine, Seig developed a similar love for fast cars and the exhilaration of speed; he's the one who taught me how to drive, and helped me to build the speed machine sitting in your garage."

Cyborg couldn't resist a challenge.

"Oh, yeah? Maybe you'd like to check out my baby! I bet I could do donuts around you and your Supra!"

Ryan smirked confidently.

"Is that a challenge I hear?"

"Oh, you know it is!"

"Bring it on!"

Raven rolled her eyes. _Males._

"Okay, everything's moving kinda fast for me here," said Beast Boy, "my brain hurts."

Ryan laughed. "Well, how 'bout I give you the abridged version?"

"Sounds good, I've just about reached my cranial capacity."

"M'kay... here goes. I lived on Tamaran, I was the supposed savior, my sisters were Starfire and Blackfire, I taught Blackfire to fly, I left Tamaran at age ten, got to Earth, met Seig, learned English, got my fake ID and car, and lived in LA for nine years until I arrived here today."

"And that's it?"

"Yup."

"Wow. You've just described your entire life in one run-on sentence." Raven drawled.

"Amazing isn't it?" Ryan replied.

"Not really."

"Sounds like you had a decent life in LA, though," Robin remarked, "What made you decide to come to Jump City?"

"Obviously," Starfire replied earnestly, "he came here to see me!"

Ryan scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Actually, I had no idea you were even on this planet..."

Starfire looked like a deflated balloon.

"Thennn... why _are_ you here?" Asked Cyborg. "I don't want to put down our fair city, but there's really not too much here except banks and the people who rob them."

"Exactly," Ryan replied with a smile.

"Uh, I'm not sure I follow..." said Robin.

"Well, about six years ago, my good friend Mr. Barthos founded a group made up of himself, me, and another of our friends in the apartment building. Together, we were the Challengers, a small faction of people extraordinary in our various talents."

"So, you were kinda like us!" exclaimed Beast Boy.

"Err... not exactly. We are both groups of people capable of the extraordinary, but our ambitions and objectives couldn't be more different."

Robin was instantly on guard. Opposing objectives? Was Ryan a member of a group of criminals?

"You see," Ryan continued, "we, the Challengers, set out to be the best at everything we did, and challenged those who thought they were better. We embarked on journeys to confront anyone who presented a challenge worthy of us."

"So basically you run around picking fights for the hell of it," said Robin suspiciously.

"Stop it! You're making me sound like the bad guy!" Ryan laughed. "Although I must admit, that is the gist of it. But fighting is only one part of the program. We also excel in strategy, speed, agility, marksmanship, intelligence, debate, and pretty much anything that can get a person respect... but mainly it's fighting. Anyone who can truly test the limits of our abilities is a candidate for a battle with us. Your city has built up quite a reputation for dangerous metahuman villains; and Seig sent me here to pick a few fights and test the water for him. If Jump turns out to provide fair game, I'll call him and we decide what to do from there."

"Have you done many jobs like this one?" Robin grilled him, still suspicious of the alien's motives.

"Hm? Actually, no, this is my first one. I rarely travel you see, too much risk of exposure. All I've done are local jobs, and it took some convincing by Seig to get me out here. I'm almost never out of LA."

Starfire was confused. "Exposure?"

"Yeah, if the media got wind that there was an alien living in Los Angeles, there'd be a nationwide press storm. The government would be alerted. Shit, some big shot crackpot scientists would probably come out and want to 'examine' me. I'd probably end up in a tank of green liquid or on a operating table being dissected." He shuddered, "Nope, it's just better if I lay low and try to blend. All I want is a normal life. I hardly ever use my powers anymore; too, there's too much risk of getting spotted."

None of the Titans, even Starfire, had noticed it before, but Ryan talking about 'blending in' made them realized suddenly how well he did so. He was extremely fair-skinned for a Tamaranian: nowhere near Starfire's orange skin color. He quite obviously took more after Blackfire in the looks department, with his jet-black hair, lighter skin, and cunning eyes. Or not. The eyes, almost identical to Blackfire's, seemed to give off an aura: much closer to Starfire's warm gaze than Blackfire's piercing stare; but the glint of cunning and intelligence was still there. On top of his already semi-human appearance and Earth clothing, his skin had been considerably tanned during his stay on the planet, and he now, for all appearances, seemed completely human. To top it all off, the markings on his forehead, like those on Star and Blackfire, were gone entirely. Starfire was the first to notice. **(Author's Note: I don't know whether those are markings or eyebrows. I probably never will. Let's just say they're marks.) **

She gasped. "Brother! Your Goraan-el! They are gone!"

"Hm?" He looked at her quizzically for a moment until he remembered. "Oh! Right, those." He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger, and the edge of a small red mark began to appear. "Covered 'em with makeup. When you're trying to blend in with crowd, red dots on your forehead are a bit of a giveaway."

Robin seemed to be drifting off slightly, "Hmm... yeah..." He suddenly looked straight up at Ryan, his calculating gaze sizing the alien up. "I'd like to run a few tests on you. For informational purposes."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on Bird Boy. This is exactly why I didn't want to come here. Tests. You Earth people just can't get enough of us off-worlders: you probably want to dissect me or something. All in the name of science, eh?"

"Hey, that's not what I meant," Robin shot back, "I want to test your combat ability; to see the extent of your powers," he explained, "I like to keep tabs on every combat-capable person coming through or staying in the city; hero, villain, or otherwise."

Ryan considered this for a moment.

"I suppose that is a wise thing to do... but no one ever sees this but you, correct?"

"Absolutely."

Ryan sighed reluctantly, "All right then. What do I do?"

Robin strode off towards the elevator doors. "Follow me."

_-------------------------------------------_

Whoo! That was a pain to type. OC's are harder than they look... even when they're not entirely yours... Anyhoo, sorry this took so long to get here. I actually kinda rushed it out, if you can believe that. But the updates will be faster now, as long as school doesn't get in the way...


	5. Prelude to Insanity, Chapter 5

I DO NOT own the TT or the name Ryand'r. Everything else is mine. Reproduction and use of any of my characters is allowed with my permission only. Read and enjoy.

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Prelude to Insanity; Chapter 5: Billy.

Ryan followed the Titans' fearless leader up the steps to the elevator. Robin quickly swiped his card and the elevator doors sprung open. He motioned for Ryan to step inside.

"You first."

Gracious, Ryan thought. And suspicious. But he accepted the invitation anyhow and stepped into the elevator. Robin followed and punched in the button labeled "B3".

The elevator whirred to life, and with a soft humming sound began its descent.

Ryan was surprised that they were bypassing the training room he had seen earlier; he had figured that a combat test would most likely be performed there... unless this wasn't a combat test at all... But no, these people were heroes; protectors of the right and just, and besides, Koriand'r still had her organs intact. He was just being paranoid... Or perhaps just too trusting...

The elevator reached its destination on the tower's third sublevel, and the doors opened to reveal... black. The room was cast entirely in shadow. The lack of any light set off all of Ryan's warning bells, but he managed to stay slacked against every one of his fighter's instincts.

_"Rule five of the soldier's handbook:" _Ryan recalled his teachings, _"Never enter an unsecured room under any of these conditions: _

_A: Possible hostiles_

_B: Poor or limiting visibility_

_C: A hostage situation_

_D: When escorting a principal or hostage_

_Two out of four..." _he thought to himself, _"not bad..."_

Robin entered the darkness first, which relaxed Ryan slightly.

_CLICK._

Ryan instantly assumed a fighting stance at the sound, his warrior instincts overriding his brain's command to stay relaxed. Suddenly, glaring light flooded the room: Robin had simply flipped the light switch.

Robin stared at him.

"What the heck are you doing? Hurry up!"

Ryan's arms flopped to his sides and he breathed out loudly in relief. He rolled his eyes as he stepped out, making a mental note to be less paranoid in the future. His expression quickly changed to one of wonder, however, as he gazed at the room about him. It appeared to be a sort of massive, metallic dome with various weapons and obstacles scattered about it.

_"I think I've died and gone to the Danger Room..."_

"Welcome," said Robin, with an air of pride, "to the Titans Tower training area."

"Wow."

"I designed it myself. State-of-the-art weaponry and defense systems, perfect for combat training of any kind. I can control the whole thing from that box up there," he said, pointing to a metal cubicle high up on the wall, "I'm going to take the lift up there, and you stay right here." He handed Ryan a headset equipped with a microphone. "You can use this to talk to me. Once I reach the top, I'll switch on the loudspeaker and you'll be able to hear me."

"Okay," Ryan said absentmindedly, staring intently at the various instruments of painful destruction laid out before him.

Robin stepped onto a small platform on the wall, and barriers sprung up around him. The platform then began its ascent up the wall towards the rectangular hole in the bottom of the control box. Shortly after the platform reached the box, Robin's voice boomed out over the loudspeaker, startling Ryan, who was fiddling with a swiveling gun turret.

"_OKAY," _said Robin's electronically amplified voice, _"WE'LL START WITH A STRENGTH TEST. GO STAND IN THAT SQUARE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE WALL."_

Ryan walked over to the center of the square.

"Oookayy... now what?"

"Look up and catch it."

"Huh?"

He looked up.

"ACK!"

A giant metal platform emerged from out of the wall and slid down on a track. Ryan lifted his arms and stopped the falling platform effortlessly with his Tamaranian strength.

"Okay," Ryan said in to his headpiece, "what next?"

THOOM.

The platform suddenly got heavier.

THOOM.

Heavier.

THOOM.

THOOM.

THOOM.

"Is that the best you got?"

THOOM.

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Two minutes later...

THOOM.

Robin watched from his box, slack-jawed. The pile of weights on the platform got higher and higher.

"What the... no way... is he? That's not... Holy crap, he is... He's squatting it..."

THOOM.

Back on the ground, Ryan was pumping away, squatting down and standing back up like he _didn't _have well over a ton of weight on his back. He smiled as he lifted.

"Man, this is great stuff... I haven't had a workout like this in years..."

He stood up, took one hand off the platform, scratched his nose, and paused.

No more "thooms".

He looked upward.

"Yo Robin, what gives?"

"Uh, I'm out of weights..." he muttered. He coughed and regained composure. "_OKAY, NOW A SPEED TEST."_

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Meanwhile, in the Titan's living room, the remaining four heroes were engaged in various activities. Raven was reading a book of poetry. Starfire was sitting in a chair twiddling her thumbs and anxiously awaiting the return of her brother, and Beast Boy and Cyborg were caught up in another engaging rerun of _Dragonball Z_. On screen, the action unfolded...

"_YOU SUCK, VEGETA!"_

"_NO, YOU SUCK, KAKEROT!"_

"_NO, **YOU** SUCK, VEGETA!"_

"_NO, **YOU** SUCK, KAKEROT!"_

"_NO, **YOU** SUCK, VEGETA!"_

"_LET'S POWER UP AND MAKE DRAMATIC POSES!"_

"_YES!"_

"_AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"_

(insert monotonous midair fight scene here)

You can just imagine the craters forming and veins bulging and gold stuff and rocks flying everywhere, right?

"This is the most annoying show I have _ever seen_," said Raven, looking up from her book. "Please, if you're to watch TV, at least have the decency to watch a show that isn't completely idiotic."

"Hey BB," snickered Cyborg, "you ever heard of a show like that?"

"Never," mumbled the changeling, engrossed in the onscreen action.

_BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP. _

"Aw, man," whined Beast Boy, "why do we always get an alert during my favorite show?"

Raven, thoroughly relieved, walked silently up to the screen and flipped a switch. The shirtless, massive-haired anime men disappeared, only to be replaced by the image of a tall blue-skinned man in a top hat and suit.

"Mumbo." Said Beast Boy with contempt. "You interrupt my cartoon! YOU SHALL DIE!" He suddenly turned at a swishing sound emanating from the direction of the elevator. Robin and Ryan emerged from the doors and made their way down to the main area.

"Ah, Robin!" Starfire chirped happily, "You have completed the testing of my brother!"

"Yeah, and I've got to say, the results are more than surprising."

Starfire's expression turned to concern. "Why, is there something wrong?"

"No, no! Nothing wrong. Just surprising."

Cyborg and Beast Boy walked up to them.

"What's surprising?" asked the android.

"Well..." said the Boy Wonder, leaning over to whisper in Cyborg's ear.

"HE BEAT ME BY _HOW MUCH _?!"

"I hate to interrupt your little discussion," interjected Raven, "but in case you've all zoned out entirely, the Amazing Mumbo is making his exit." She pointed to the screen. Indeed, Mumbo was taking off down the street, cash spilling out of his magically enlarged pockets.

"Titans, go!" Robin shouted, heading for the elevator. He was followed by Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy. Starfire, however, had stopped to talk with her brother.

"Brother Ryand'r! Do you wish to join us in our chasing down of the bad guys?"

"Nah, like I said before, I never really got the hang of being a hero. I tried it once or twice; it just doesn't work for me. You go ahead and have fun."

"I will," Starfire smiled at him. "I shall return as quickly as possible, then will be able to spend some 'quality time' together."

Ryand'r returned his sister's grin. "Sounds like a plan."

Starfire waved at him a turned to go, but was stopped by Ryan's hand on her shoulder.

"Kory."

"Yes?"

"Be careful."

"Of course."

And with that, she joined her friends in the elevator, and they were off.

Ryan stared at the closed doors of the elevator for a second, and then walked off to watch some TV. He flipped on the screen and the coverage of Mumbo's daring robbery came up.

"Hmm. Let's see how the heroes operate."

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The Amazing Mumbo; AKA Some Old Balding Guy With A Pointy Nose, was once perhaps the most completely and totally random villain the Titans had faced in their illustrious crime-fighting careers (well, maybe except for that one alien dude with the dog, but he doesn't count). I say "once" because that title was recently taken by the Titans' latest arch-foe, the completely uncalled-for Doctor Bad-Man. Recently paroled after his first unsuccessful crime spree, Mumbo decided that power was to be found in numbers, and he set out to acquire a few partners in crime. Delighted upon finding the deliciously random and totally loaded Bad-Man, Mumbo quickly asked him to become his criminal co-worker. And thus the alliance was formed. Apparently, the bag-headed doctor was already hatching a scheme to conquer the city, and he was happy to discover that Mumbo had not done anything illegal since his release. Bad-Man had sent the magician to RadioShack to buy a massive sack of AA batteries for him, seeing as risking jail for batteries seemed a bit stupid, even for him. A simple enough task, he had reasoned. Unfortunately for the criminal duo, Mumbo just couldn't resist cleaning out the cash register before stepping out the door; which brings us to our current situation, with Mumbo running unopposed down the street in broad daylight.

"HA HA HA! Fool teenaged employee!" He yelled over his shoulder at the rapidly shrinking building behind him. "Learn to honor your coupons, or face the wrath of... The Amazing Mumbo!"

He turned back to the street in front of him, and his confident smirk became a look of abject horror as he saw a silvery-blue car rocketing straight for him. The vehicle suddenly turned sideways and skidded to a halt twenty feet from the escaping criminal. Mumbo's eyes popped out of his head and he came to a dramatic standstill, wildly flailing his arms and legs with dust billowing up behind him like something out of a... well... a cartoon. As the Titans stepped out of the T-car, Mumbo drew his wand and prepared himself for combat. Robin took the lead, whipping out his Bo staff.

"Titans! Go!"

The two females of the group flew up and began to throw their respective projectiles at the insane magician, Starfire throwing starbolts and Raven tearing up parking meters and pay phones and pretty much everything in her line of vision and hurling them at Mumbo.

The magician was prepared for the projectile offensive and whipped his wand through the air; making the flying objects explode into flowers and confetti. Another swipe and the starbolts turned into rabbits, which fell to the ground and hopped away. Robin leapt into the air and attempted to smash in Mumbo's pointy nose with his staff, only to have the weapon turn into a cobra.

"Unbelievable! I've gotten double-usage out of that gag! You're even slower than I thought!"

Robin, enraged at falling for the same trick twice, responded by smacking Mumbo in the face with his fist. The blue-skinned crook flew through the air, performing a double flip and landing on his feet, only to be met with a charging green triceratops. With a deep bow, Mumbo pulled the top hat from his head, holding it out in front of him with the bottom facing out. As the triceratops was about to connect, the hat blew up to twenty times its original size, and the blitzing Beast Boy ran straight through it. However, he did not tear through the other end as he expected, but instead found himself crashing through a third story window on a building across the street. He smashed into the ground and collapsed in an unconscious heap, reverting back to human form. Meanwhile, the hat was back to its normal size and had returned to its spot on Mumbo's balding blue crown; and Cyborg was trying his hand at knocking it off again. His right arm had converted to sonic cannon mode and he was blasting away at Mumbo, trying to incapacitate the slippery villain and failing miserably, and tearing apart three storefronts in the process.

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Ryan slapped his forehead. The "villain" had damaged one window. The "heroes", on the other hand, had ripped three stores to bits and were still going.

"Man, this sucks! Move, Kori! Do _something_!"

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Cyborg, not oblivious to the damage he was causing, had put away his arm cannon and was attempting to engage Mumbo in hand-to-hand combat. Contrary to popular belief, the android was not the "slow bruiser" of the team. His robotic limbs actually made him both stronger _and _faster than the average man. Unfortunately, Mumbo was no average man. As Cyborg tried to punch him, Mumbo used his magic to turn almost 2-D. His paperlike form was flying wildly in crazy loops around Cyborg's body, flying up the robot-man's arm as he threw a particularly sloppy punch. Cyborg roared in annoyance as the coiled paper magician slammed his flat body into his face. Cyborg stumbled back as Mumbo re-inflated himself with a laugh... only to receive an ebony-encased parking meter with his face. His magic wand, the source of his highly annoying power, went flying out of his grasp. It arced through the air and landed in Robin's outstretched palm. With one swift movement, the Teen Wonder snapped the wand in half.

"Oh no! My wand! The very source of my magic! Whatever shall I do? I know! Use the spare!" He cackled.

With those words, Mumbo pulled a secondary wand from his coat and blew Robin away in a barrage of bunnies. As he turned to blow Raven out of the sky as well, something caught his eye: an escape route! If he could get to that alley, he was home free. But it was not meant to be, as no sooner had he spied his getaway path then it was blocked by a recently recovered Beast Boy in gorilla form. Thinking quickly, Mumbo charged the opening, whipping off his cape and tossing it over gorilla Beast Boy's head. The cape suddenly constricted, blocking his air and vision. Mumbo leapfrogged over the gorilla's head and disappeared into the alleyway. As the other Titans attempted to contain the wildly flailing changeling, Starfire soared over the chaos and into the alley.

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"Yes! Go 'im sis!" Ryan cheered as he watched Starfire disappeared into the alley after Mumbo. "Wait, disappeared? Shit!" The newscast of the battle thus far was taken from the air by a news crew in a helicopter. When Starfire chased Mumbo into the narrow alley, the chopper was unable to achieve the angle necessary for a clear shot and instead decided it was more entertaining watching Beast Boy with a cape stuck on his head.

"No! No! Beast Boy, stop struggling! Cyborg! Jump on him."

"GAHHHH!"

"Oh, for God's sake, move." Raven said. "Azarath, Metrion, ZINTHOS!" The cape over Beast Boy's head turned black and tore itself to pieces. Beast Boy, relieved to be able to breath again, reverted back to his normal self.

"Whew, thanks Rae. I thought they had me..."

"They?"

"Hey, what happened to the rabid clowns?"

"_Huh_?"

"Whoo, I'm dizzy." Beast Boy collapsed on the ground, oxygen flooding back to his brain.

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"What, are you all blind?! Go help her!" Ryan shouted at the television.

Robin's slightly distorted voice came through the TV speakers, "_Hey, where's Starfire?_"

"AUGH! You idiot!"

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Mumbo dashed through the alley as fast his legs would carry him, and when he found that that wasn't fast enough, he leapt onto a nearby dumpster and tapped it with his wand. The enchanted refuse bin took off on its tiny wheels, heading for the white light at the end of the alley. Suddenly, the white light turned green as Starfire floated down to block Mumbo's exit, her fists glowing with power.

"All right villainous villain! I give you this last chance to surrender yourself to the police!" She cried.

Mumbo's dumpster kept its course.

"Very well. You have been warned!" Starfire raised her arms and blasted the dumpster with all her might. The trash bin exploded, sending chunks of banana and half-eaten tubs of ice cream splattering all over the alley. The Amazing Mumbo went flying up in the air, covered in trash. He poked himself in the stomach with his wand and somehow turned himself into a massive rubber ball. Starfire looked on in amazement as the spherical magician bounced off the walls of the narrow alley. Only too late did she realize that he was bouncing straight for her. He slammed into Starfire at the end of the alley, sending her flying across the adjacent street. She backflipped off the pavement and gave him a full-force blast in the face. Mumbo careened into a wall, his hair smoking. He bounced off the wall, knocking a rather sizeable chunk out of it as he hit. He struggled to his feet, a snarl crossing his lips.

"For this most grievous insult, you shall pay!" He roared, snapping out his wand. "...Some other time." He flicked his wrist and disappeared.

Starfire rubbed her shoulder where ball Mumbo had struck her.

"This is most not good..."

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Back at the tower, Ryan watched as the news crew caught the last few seconds of the battle: Starfire flipping through the street, blasting Mumbo, and then watching in amazement as he disappeared into thin air.

"What? How did he...? Rrr... why didn't Bird Boy and the others back her up? Oh, right, they were getting the GLAD bag off of monkey boy," he growled at the TV. "A 'D' for teamwork in my book. I'll have to show these hero wannabes a thing or two."

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Back at the scene of the crime, Starfire had just emerged from the alley and had broken the news to her teammates about Mumbo's escape. Needless to say, they were frustrated about losing two evildoers in a row.

"BB," Cyborg said exasperatedly, "this is all _your_ fault."

"Hey, at least I didn't blow open any shops."

"Well at least I didn't have a cape stuck on my head!"

"And what was Robin doing all this time?"

"I was fighting Mumbo!"

"Then how come he escaped?"

"Because I was helping you get his CAPE OFF YOUR HEAD!!!"

"Would you all please just_ shut up?_" Moaned an annoyed Raven, "We won't catch any criminals by yelling at each other. We are all equally to blame for losing Mumbo, but at least Starfire had the brains to go after him. We lost because we failed to work together as a _team_. If we try to go one-on-one with someone as unpredictable as Mumbo, then we are sure to lose. But it doesn't really matter now. We lost; and we must accept it. We cannot dwell on past failures; we must catch Mumbo _now_."

Robin sighed, "She's right, we're acting like idiots, every one of us. We have to collect ourselves and try to find Mumbo again," he said, his confidence as leader returning to him, "let's head back to the tower and see if we can get any leads. If not, then it's combat practice. I think we need to brush up on teamwork." At their leader's command, the Titans filed into the T-car and took off towards Titans Tower. Starfire was eager to return to her brother.

"Hurry Cyborg! Can this machine of transport of yours go any faster?"

"Oh, you wanna see fast? I'll _show_ you fast."

"Oh no you won't," said Raven, giving him a look that dared him to try.

Cyborg responded by stomping the gas, throwing Raven back in her seat.

"You-will-pay-for this..." Raven said through clenched teeth.

The T-car accelerated up to the parking structure by the bay and got sideways, practically flinging itself into the entrance. It screeched to a noisy halt in front of the keypad on the wall. Cyborg got out and punched in the code. As the door began to open, he walked back to the car, sat down and closed the door. He stared with a giant grin at the huge, straight tunnel opening up before him. Raven saw the glint in his eye.

"Ohhh no. No way. Cyborg. Cyborg, no. Victor, stop! No no no no no!"

SCRRRREEEEEEE!!!

Cyborg did a massive burnout, pushing his car to the limit as he released the brake and shot off down the tunnel.

"Cyborrrgggggg!!!"

The T-car quickly picked up speed as it sped down the long, straight tunnel, but Cyborg's baby was still far from its limit. The T-car was is fourth gear as Cyborg slammed on the e-brake and the car spun wildly to a stop in the center of the garage. Several nearby objects turned black and exploded. A grin the size of China was on Cyborg's face. Robin and Beast Boy wore similar expressions. Raven looked like she was having a panic attack; and Starfire was nearly ecstatic.

"We must do that again!" she cried happily.

Raven's eyes shot open. "Hell... no..." She managed to say between deep breaths.

"Hey man, whassup?" Cyborg had spotted Ryand'r rummaging around in the backseat of his car.

"Oh, just unloading some of my stuff," the Tamaranian responded, "Oh, and I meant to ask you earlier; how long am I allowed to stay here?"

Robin opened his mouth to speak, but Starfire beat him to the punch.

"Forever!" She said cheerily, running up to her brother and giving him a bone-crushing hug.

"Uhh... yeah, what she said... I guess..."

"Thanks man, I owe you guys big time."

"No problem."

"You _will_ stay forever, won't you?" Starfire smiled up at him.

Ryan returned the smile. "We'll see."

----------------------------------------------

Will Ryan stay forever? Will the Titans catch Mumbo? What the hell does he want with all those batteries? Find out next time, on the next exciting episode of DRAGONBALL Z! ... I mean Hero's Story... or Teen Titans... whatever the heck you wanna call it...


	6. Arfenhaus Drive, Chapter 1

Titans aren't mine, Ryand'r's not mine, Ryan _is _mine, Bad-Man is mine, pretty much everything else is mine. We clear? Good.

-------------------------------------------

Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 1: Axis of Randomness

-------------------------------------------

The Titans and Ryan managed to cram themselves into the elevator along with Ryan's things, which he had stuffed into a large cardboard box. Robin caught sight of a guitar bag strapped across the alien's back.

"Hey, you play?"

Ryan looked at Robin over his shoulder. "Hm? Oh, yeah. I really got into 80's rock a bit after I came to Earth. Naturally, I ended up learning how to play guitar."

"So what's your favorite band?"

"Aw, come on man, that's like asking you who your favorite Titan is."

"_Starfire_" Robin thought to himself. "I guess. You know, it's pretty amazing how quickly you've assimilated with Earth life. Nine years really isn't so long when you consider the fact that you're from a different planet; but you seem almost human. You speak fluently, play an instrument... you even have your own car. To tell you the truth, I never would've guessed you were a Tamaranian if you hadn't told me."

"Well, when I got to Earth, I practically fell in love with the culture; life here just seemed much more uninhibited compared to life on Tamaran. There was so much more freedom: a democratic, capitalist society, no slavery, and no peasants. There was freedom of choice and freedom of speech... The whole thing just amazed me and inspired me to learn as much as I could about my new home. I especially loved the music; which was completely different from anything I'd ever heard before. Back on Tamaran, we're pretty much stuck with hymns and chants."

"Ouch," lamented Beast Boy.

Starfire giggled. "Now brother, the hymns were not all that terrible, and much of the poetry was quite good."

"Kori, please, how many poems have you seen me sit through?"

Starfire thought about this for a moment. "Five."

"And how many of them _weren't_ being recited by you?"

Another pause for thought. "None. But still, they are really not that bad."

"Mm-hmm. I guess four-thousand verse poetry was never really my thing."

There was a soft "bing" as the elevator reached the top floor and opened its doors; and its cramped occupants fell all over each other trying to get out. The result was a tangled mass of arms and legs at the head of the stairs, which proceeded to throw itself off the top step and roll to the bottom in a heap. In the confusion, Ryan dropped his box and it fell to the floor with a crash, spilling its contents on the floor in front of them. As the Titans began getting up off the floor, Ryan started cleaning up his things: Clothes, CD's, a few car magazines, a laptop computer, an iPod and headphones, and...

"Hey, what the heck is this?"

Beast Boy bent down to pick up a shiny metal object that had rolled into his foot. It was a metal rod of medium length, very similar looking (albeit slightly longer) to Robin's staff when it was retracted, a sort of silver nightstick.

"Don't touch that." Ryan said sternly, "You'll kill yourself."

"You're kidding, right?" Beast Boy asked apprehensively, holding the thing at arm's length between his thumb and forefinger. Ryan snatched it out of BB's outstretched hand and tossed it back in the box.

"Incidentally, yes."

"Dude, _don't do that_!"

Ryan gave him an innocent look.

"Do what?"

-------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, at an abandoned factory across town, Mumbo was handing over the sack of AA batteries to Dr. Bad-Man.

"There. Batteries. What the heck do you need with batteries anyway?"

The bag-headed villain laughed the Customary Bad Guy Laugh, "_MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!!_ Let me show the fruits of our labors! Behold! The great device that shall destroy the pitiful teenaged menaces and begin a new age of evil across the land! Behold, the Arfenhaus Drive!"

With that little speech, he threw a switch and activated two spotlights, which shone on a single spot in the middle of the floor. There, in the glow of the lights, sat the strangest device Mumbo had ever laid eyes on. Not only did it look extremely complicated, but half the junk covering the outer part of it seemed totally unnecessary. There were a bunch of buttons and several switches, about a dozen randomly placed lightbulbs in varying colors and shapes, and what looked like a piece of toast glued to the front. But there was something wrong with the toast... suddenly, two glowing red square eyes opened on its face, and a triangular black mouth appeared that flashed as it spoke these words:

"HahahAhahaha! Nwo I beZ comPl33t! I h8 j00 a1L!!! TaHnk U 4 teH c00keezz!"

Mumbo looked on in shock. Then he turned, wide-eyed and spoke to no one in particular.

"Good lord... I've created a monster..."

Bad-Man was utterly delighted. "This masterpiece is the brainchild of myself and my longtime assistant, L33t. L33t! Come here!"

A bizarre voice answered him:

"YeZz? WaHt u uuAnt?"

And then the most abnormal looking man Mumbo had ever seen stepped out of the shadows in the corner. The word "eccentric" hardly did him justice. The man's face was like something possessed: thin, lizard like eyes shaded by green-tinted sunglasses and a nearly nonexistent nose sunk into the face itself, which was contorted into a mass of wrinkles and folds. His long black hair was spiked straight up in the air so that each spike was about a foot and a half long, and the end of each spike (about the last six inches or so) was dyed bright green. His mouth, filled with impossibly long, yellowing teeth, was stretched into an insane grin that would probably split his head in half if it got any wider. His ears were slightly pointed, his skin was pale, his lips were nonexistent, and Mumbo could've sworn he'd seen a forked tongue. The strange man rounded out his demented ensemble with a neon yellow spandex suit with black racing stripes down the legs and arms. Black rubber gloves and boots adorned his hands and feet, respectively. His tight clothing showed off his not so impressive figure. His arms and legs were lean and gaunt, but a massive beergut showed through the tight suit.

"_Eaten any good children lately?_"Thought the magician.

Bad-Man turned back to Mumbo.

"Impressive, isn't he?"

Mumbo found himself at a loss for words. Bad-Man took no notice and continued to talk.

"I found him wandering about the outskirts of Gotham a few years back..."

"_Arkham escapee._"

"...He seemed to be the perfect evil accomplice, and I was thrilled to find that he had the design for the Arfenhaus Drive already planned out in his head..."

"_Nut job._"

"... We got to work on the design right away, of course..."

"_What have I gotten myself into?_"

"...which brings us to where we are today."

Mumbo strained himself to respond.

"...I-impressive..."

"Indeed. L33t, fetch those controllers, if you would please."

"YeZz MzHt3r!!1"

L33t strode off to a table in his shadowy corner and retrieved the controllers Bad-Man requested. He deposited them into the crazy doctor's hands and stepped back into the corner, almost as though he were afraid of the light. Bad-Man stared at the controllers with reverence.

"These are the tools we shall use to defeat the Titans," he crowed happily, "here, take one." He handed one of the three devices to Mumbo.

"Great, what is it?"

"This," Bad-Man declared, "is a control for the Drive itself. Seeing as we aren't going to lug that pile of parts off to wherever we need it to be, I've created a means of receiving signals from the Drive with these." He held up the controller for Mumbo to see.

"But this looks like a walkie talkie."

"That _was_ its original purpose."

"You built receivers out of walkie talkies."

"Yes. Why else would I need so many AA batteries? Anyhow, back to the subject at hand... the drive works like this: Press the button and speak into the receiver. The Drive will hear you, and carry out whatever command you give it."

"How?"

"Well, after you give the Drive a command or request, and then it's up to the machine how to carry it out. And knowing the AD, it'll be a fairly incredulous method."

"Sorry, I still... don't quite get it. How does the Drive possess the power to do this?"

"The Drive can use its signal to bend the very fabric of reality to its will. It has the power to do anything. Anything at all, no matter how impossible it may seem."

"What?! But how?"

"Who knows? L33t designed it." Bad-Man leaned in close and whispered in Mumbo's ear. "And somehow, I don't think we're going to get it out of him."

"Hmm... I'm still not entirely clear..."

"Then perhaps a demonstration will convince you of its power." Bad-Man pressed a red button on the control and spoke into the microphone. "Drive, get Mumbo's hat and bring it to me."

"Hey, wha-?"

"_GHUAAAAAARRRGH!!!_"

A demented looking clown with razor-sharp fangs appeared seemingly out of nowhere and charged Mumbo on all fours with a screech, spittle flying from its painted lips. As it neared the now petrified magician, it leaped up into the air and snatched Mumbo's top hat off his head with its teeth. It then proceeded to deposit the hat into Bad-Man's arms, jump up into the air, and explode in a burst of chunky pineapple bits. Bad-Man turned to face Mumbo.

"Get it now?"

Mumbo shuddered violently and retrieved his hat. As he put the spit soaked hat back on his head, his horrified expression changed to one of sadistic realization.

"Y'know, I think I do."

"Right then. The AD still has a few kinks to work out, and it will only work on things in a radius of about a quarter mile from the receiver. As soon as the receiver goes out of range of anything the Drive has effected, the majority of effects will cease."

"Like...?" Mumbo rotated his wrist in a quizzical motion.

"Well, say you had the drive make a person spontaneously combust. After you had left the quarter mile effect radius, the person would suddenly appear again, completely unharmed."

"Would he remember what had happened to him?"

"Unfortunately, yes, so you'll have to be a bit careful about how you use the device."

"Whatever. Let's cause some HAVOC!"

"Yes! Now, all of the world shall know our name! _The Axis of Randomness!_"

"Axis of Randomness?"

"That's our name."

"Oh."

"Come! Mumbo! L33t! Laugh with me! _MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!! MHOO-HAH! MHOO-HAH! MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!!!"_

"_MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! MUAHAHAHAHAAA!!!"_

"_LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!1!!!1"_

"_MHOO-HAH-HAH-HAA!"_

"_MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"_LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!1!"_

Okay... let's get away from the general insanity for a moment and head over to Titans Tower, where Ryan is getting settled in...

---------------------------------------------------

Ryan was following Robin about the tower, listening as the Boy Wonder pointed out various facilties.

"...kitchen's over there of course, help yourself to anything in the fridge. Oh, but you might want to stay away from the green stuff in the back."

"Why? What is it?"

"We're not entirely sure, but we think it's the end result of the potato salad mating with the mystery loaf."

"I'll... remember that..."

"Girls' bedrooms down that hallway, guys' bedrooms down this one. There's a restroom and showers at the end of each hall and another one through this door. TV, Gamestation, Ybox, and GameTube (no relation to _Playstation_, _Xbox_, and _GameCube_) for all your entertainment needs, a row of computers over there, and training and weight rooms downstairs, if you feel like working out."

Robin walked towards the door leading to the boys' rooms and it swished open automatically as he stepped onto the pressure pad on the floor. Ryan followed him down the well-lit corridor until Robin stopped in front of a door about halfway down the hall. Robin hit a button on the keypad next to it and inserted a key card into the slot. The machine read the card and then spat it back out into Robin's palm. Robin handed the card to his guest.

"Here. You now possess the one and only key to this room. Congratulations."

There was a short pause as the two stared at each other. Robin was the first to speak.

"Well? You gonna open it or not?"

"Oh! Right." Ryan scratched the back of his head in an embarrassed fashion. He stepped up to the door and inserted the card. A green light flashed twice, and card was ejected. The door slid open. Robin entered the room and hit the lights. Inside the room was a bed, a closet, a desk, a bedside table with a lamp and a few drawers, and that was about it.

"Well, here it is: your room. True, it's not much, but we're really not too accustomed to having guests stay for extended periods. It's a bit of a fixer-upper, but bring your stuff in here and I'm sure you'll feel right at home in a few days."

"Heh. You sound like a real estate agent."

"Whatever. Breakfast at seven, lunch at noon, dinner at six-thirty, unless the bad guys say otherwise."

"Put out an extra place setting."

"You got it."

"Oh, hey, by the way, you get your man?"

"Huh?"

"The alert, dude, the alert. Did you get the blue guy?"

"Oh, that... er... not really..."

"No kidding," Ryan snorted, "I saw the whole thing on TV. It may not be my place to say, but that was pitiful. Where was the teamwork?"

Robin grimaced, straining to say the words he hated.

"I... know. It wasn't our greatest moment, I'll admit. We're gonna go and see if we can get a lead on Mumbo, and if not, then I'm going to lead the team in some training exercises to see if we can't get whipped into shape before our next fight."

"Not a bad idea, but if I may, I'd like to lead your training for today."

"Sorry, but it's like you said. We're a team. We have set attack plans and coordinated defensive maneuvers. If you were to come in now, we'd be more than a little thrown off."

"Maybe. Maybe not. If you continued to train the way you always have, what makes you think the end result won't be something like what happened today? Listen, all I'm asking is this one shot. I taught my sister to fight better than almost anyone; and I'm almost certain I can do the same for you. I've been through military training, and I know teamwork."

Robin sighed. Perhaps this _could _do the team some good. But still...

"Okay, look. Come to the practice session and watch us train. If you have a suggestion or something, you can give us a few tips and we'll just see how it goes."

"All right, but at the very least, I'll need some time with Kory. I'm really pretty impressed with your training; from what I've seen, you've managed to keep her up fairly well, but she's nowhere near her full potential yet. A few sessions with me, and the difference will be noticeable, I promise."

"Okay." He extended a hand to Ryan.

Ryan smiled and took the hand, pumping it rapidly.

"Thanks. You won't regret it."

--------------------------------------------------

As Robin entered the living room, a strange sight met his eyes. Starfire was curled into a fetal ball, slowly rocking herself back and forth in the corner. Beast Boy sat on the couch and sucked his thumb. Cyborg just stood staring at the wall, his jaw slacked in complete shock. Robin approached Raven, who appeared to be the last still sane person in the room.

"What happened here?"

Raven pointed to the main screen.

"_That_ happened."

Robin looked. It was all he could do to not start sucking his own thumb. He gaped in horror at the _thing _on the monitor. Yes, it seemed L33t had found his way into the business district and was using his Arfenhaus control to cause complete disorder in the streets.

-------------------------------------------------

"LOLOLOL!!! Ki1L 11 teh ppl!" L33t screamed into his control.

Several nearby people erupted in flames.

-------------------------------------------------

Robin's eyes widened in utter disbelief as L33t continued his rampage.

"We-we have to do something," he said, not taking his eyes off the screen, "I don't know exactly _what _that thing is, or how the heck it just did that, but it's up to the Teen Titans to stop it! Teen Titans, go!"

Ryan emerged from the hall.

"Hey, what's all the noise?"

"Our training session has been cancelled. Take a look."

Ryan looked.

"HOLY SH-!"

-------------------------------------------------

"LOLOLOLLOLOL!!!1!! Fr1Ed cHikin!!!"

End Chapter

-------------------------------------------------

I expect there are mixed feelings on this chapter. Some of you may find it hilarious; others might not get it at all. For those of you who have no idea what was up with L33t's stunted speech patterns or the Arfenhaus Drive in general, let me fill you in. First, L33t (pronounced "leet"; The 3's are supposed to be E's), is the name of the standard language of counter-strike and MMORPG nerds everywhere (I happen to be in neither category, thank you very much). The language itself is basically English mutilated by computer fonts.

Example:

English: "Hahaha! You suck, Joe!"

L33t translation: "lolol! U sUk, j0!"

See what I mean?

As for Arfenhaus, it's simply the name "Arfenhouse" spelled differently. Arfenhouse is the name of the most hilariously outrageous game/flash movie on the net. Both movie and game can be viewed at www. disasterlabs .com (dumb site won't accept hyperlinks...) Go there and watch the Arfenhouse movies, at the very least. They'll be classics someday. And if you do, you'll understand this whole arc a lot better.


	7. Arfenhaus Drive, Chapter 2

You know what I own. You know what I don't own. I'm sick of saying it, so there. Oh, except this one thing. The word "farque" belongs to me and three other bozos who shall remain nameless. You should be able to figure out what it means on your own.

I apologize. I have no leet skillz. Heh.

-------------------------------------------

Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 2: Inexplicablasuperscrewed-uppification

-------------------------------------------

"AIIIIIEEE!!!"

"RUN!!!"

"WHAT THE FARQUE IS _THAT_?!"

KABOOM.

"ACK!"

SPLORT.

L33t strode down the streets of Jump City's business district, grinning with giant yellow teeth as he vaporized, transmogrified, exploded, imploded, and generally screwed up everyone in sight. His one-track mind had one objective, to destroy. And when the Titans arrived, he would destroy them too. The man with the funny head had told him to.

"wH413!" He screeched into his Arfenhaus control..

An enormous sperm whale materialized out of thin air a mile above the street and fell to Earth with a crash, flattening an entire building.

-------------------------------------------

The T-car was flying down the streets as fast it could go. Cyborg was driving like a maniac; he knew that whatever that thing on the monitor was, it was killing people, and the Teen Titans needed to take it down. As the silvery car approached the scene, the Titan's eyes widened. There was a _whale_ in the street in front of them. Cyborg slammed on the brakes and the car screeched to a halt just before it could hit the massive marine mammal. Then...

"_HOORRNNNKKK!!!_"

The whale opened its mouth and vomited all over the T-car.

"Aw maaan... I just waxed that!" Cyborg moaned.

Robin leapt out the window of the car.

"Titans, go!"

The five young heroes charged around the whale and confronted the cause of the chaos. It was ugly. The cause, I mean.

L33t's vile reptilian features curled into a smile. They were here. The Titans had come.

Cyborg surveyed the damage. The ground was littered with body parts, blood, broken bones, brains, ...pineapple sauce... and pieces of pizza?

"What the hell _is_ this?"

"I7 beZ Y0r Di3!" L33t snarled.

Robin pointed an accusing finger at L33t.

"You! You did this! Titans, go!"

With that, the heroes charged their demented foe. Cyborg leapt into the air and brought down his fist for a one hit KO as Raven picked up parts from a smashed car and hurled them at L33t. Starfire flew up and gave the tub gutted frog-man a starbolt blitzkrieg and Robin flung disc after explosive disc.

Then several things happened in rapid succession. Cyborg's entire arm turned into strawberry jello, and he splattered it all over as he attepted to punch L33t in the face. Raven's car parts fused with Starfire's energy bolts and turned into a giant purple dinosaur, which proceeded to chant: "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" as it ate them both in one swallow. Robin's head turned into a potato. A microwave fell onto his shoulders. You can guess what happened next...

Yup. He turned into a two-by-four.

In a matter of seconds, four out of five Titans were down. Beast Boy stared at the remnants of his friends: An armless robot. A smiling dinosaur. A piece of wood. He felt like either crying or being sick. He ended up compromising and did both.

L33t frowned at the final Titan. He lifted his control to his lips.

"33t p1G!"

FLASH 

A live pig suddenly appeared in Beast Boy's mouth.

"f15hB0wL!"

_FLASH_

Beast Boy's head turned into a fishbowl with the pig still crammed inside it.

"DrUM5t1k!"

_FLASH_

Beast Boy's legs turned into chicken drumsticks.

"K4B00m!"

The whole thing exploded, sending pig, chicken, glass, and Beast Boy all over the place.

Meanwhile, Cyborg had given up recovering his jello'd arm and was attempting to sneak up on L33t from behind. Unfortunately, when your whole body is made of metal, sneaking around just gets a whole lot harder.

L33t whirled on him, and lifted his control. He moved to speak, but thought better of it. Instead, he simply charged the one armed android, slamming his fist across Cyborg's face. L33t then hopped up and performed a double kick to the chin. Landing on the ground, he crouched low and sweep kicked Cyborg, sending his legs flying out from under him. He then shot up from the crouch into an inhuman leap, almost thirty feet in the air, and brought his heel down on Cyborg's head. He was out like a light.

L33t walked over to the Robin two-by-four, picked it/him up and began beating Cyborg over the head with it. After several minutes of this, L33t dropped Robin and collapsed into a cross-legged sitting position. He surveyed his handiwork with his chin resting on his fist. The Titans were defeated. The place was a mess. There was a freakin' whale in the street. His job here was done. A grin crossed his face. He threw back his head and laughed, although his twisted little mind couldn't really figure out what was so funny.

After a while he lost interest and wandered off to cause more destruction.

-------------------------------------------

Five minutes later... 

Cyborg shot up from his prone position with a gasp. He looked wildly about him. No chicken. No purple dinosaur. No wood. No _whale_. He slowly, fearfully attempted to lift his right arm. It was there! But then what had happened? Was it all just some demented dream? A trick? Or was he just going crazy? But then... why was he lying in the middle of a street?

He got to his feet and looked around. Equally confused people filled the street.

"I'm alive?"

"Where's that frog man?"

"Where's that _whale_?"

"What happened?"

"Cyborg!"

Cyborg turned around. The other four Titans were standing behind him.

"Dude," said Beast Boy, "WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED?! Does anyone have a clue as to what's going on here? 'Cuz the last thing I remember was getting a pig shoved in my mouth."

"I was... eaten, I believe..." said Starfire shakily.

"Yeah..." assented Raven. "I remember... purple..."

Robin scratched the back of his head.

"The last thing I saw was Cyborg's arm getting turned into Jello."

"And the last time I saw _you_, you were a piece of wood," said Beast Boy.

"But now..." Starfire looked around her. "Every thing and every one appears to be unharmed, no?"

"Yeah..."

"Unharmed?! I got the motor oil beat out of me by some frog dude!"

Robin examined the perfectly normal looking street. Every little thing that the frogman had done was... gone.

"This isn't normal... Was that real? Or maybe it was some sort of illusion. Do you suppose Mad Mod could be behind it?"

"You serious?" Cyborg replied. "Pretty hard to pull something like this from a prison cell."

"Okay, what about Slade?"

Beast Boy almost laughed. "Dude, are you serious? Somehow, I can't see him hiring frog people to throw whales at us."

"Well what about Mumbo? He's got the powers to do this sort of thing, and it's totally his style. Not exactly subtle, if get my meaning."

Cyborg stroked his metal chin. "It's possible, but he seems limited to cheap tricks. I'd have thought that if he had the power to summon a flying whale, he'dve done it before."

"Of course, it's always a possibility that that weirdo was acting alone. Regardless, we can't keep getting smacked down like this. We've had three losses in a row. I don't know about the rest of you, but personally, I'm embarrassed," Robin grumbled. "Let's head back home and get in some training. We need it."

The Titans hopped into their car, now vomit-free, and headed back towards the tower.

-------------------------------------------

"Skkknoorrrrkkkk... snrrkkk... hrmf. Hrm?"

There was a large mass spread out on the couch at Titans Tower, a black-jacketed, spiky-haired mass that snored in its sleep.

Ryan rose slowly, the newspaper spread across his face falling into his lap. He threw the paper off himself and swung his legs over the edge of the couch. Yawning, he got to his feet and walked over to the kitchen area, where he opened the fridge and snatched a can of Dr. Pepper. He popped the tab and slugged half of it down in one gulp. He sighed and glanced at his wristwatch.

"Booorrrinnnggg..."

The elevator doors swished open.

"Dude! We've been running around getting our butts kicked since four in the morning. I got my head turned into a fishbowl. I-am-freaking-tired. OKAY?!"

Cyborg rolled his eye.

"Suck it up BB."

"Easy for you to say! All you've got to do is plug your robot butt in and you're good to go in five minutes!"

"Tired or no, we're still training," said Robin.

"Brother! We have returned!"

Raven was silent, as usual.

"Okay," said Robin, "get changed, and meet me in the training room in five minutes."

Raven turned to Robin.

"I'd really like to take a shower."

"Can you do it five minutes?"

"What do you think?"

"I think you need to be down in the training room in five minutes."

Raven glared at him briefly, swirled her cloak about her, and walked off down the left hallway after Starfire.

Ryan took another swig of Dr. Pepper and glanced at Robin.

"Harsh."

"Hrmph. I have to start cracking down. We're getting soft. All of us."

"I assume you didn't win out there."

"That's a safe assumption." Robin scowled.

Ryan took one last sip and tossed the empty can in the trash as he stepped into the elevator. As the elevator began to hum, Ryan looked at the Boy Wonder through the crack in the closing doors.

"See you in five minutes."

-------------------------------------------

"HRRAAA!!!"

CRASH!

_Zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap-zap_!

"HAA!!!"

CRUNCH!

"Hm," Ryan smirked, "no challenge."

He gazed at his handiwork: gun turrets and wall-mounted cannons were laid to waste about him.

The elevator doors swished open and Beast Boy stepped into the training area. He looked at the destroyed gun turrets and whistled.

"Man, that's crazy. You do all that yourself?"

Ryan wiped his brow with a towel.

"Yeah."

He looked up at the control box. A monitor on the front displayed his score. Beast Boy looked as well.

"368."

"Is that good?"

Beast Boy shrugged.

"I've seen Rob do 400."

Ryan leaned against the wall, arms folded.

"Hm."

The elevator opened once again, and Cyborg and Starfire stepped out.

"Brother! Have you come to train with us as well?"

"You might say that."

"Well all right!" Cyborg cheered. "Rob might go easier on us if you were here too."

Another swish from the doors, and Robin and Raven emerged from the elevator.

"I don't think so," said Robin. "Today we'll be training harder than ever before. I'm not going to lose again. I plan to win. And if that's going to happen, then I can't go it alone. We've all got to _work together_ on this one. We've got three potential separate cases on the loose, all of which have beaten us at least once before. We are going to have to work. Hard. Are you guys with me on this one?

The Titans looked at each other.

"I'm in." Came the simultaneous response.

Ryan looked on from his spot on the wall, a bemused smirk on his face.

"_I misjudged him. Perhaps he **is** a real leader after all... But leading the horse to water isn't enough. He's rallied the troops. Now he needs to keep them._"

-------------------------------------------

"KIAI!"

CRUNCH.

"Cyborg, go!"

"HAAAAHHHH!!!"

THOOM.

Zap-zap-zap-zap- FZORK! 

KATHOOM!

"Good, Star! Attack pattern Alpha-five! BB! Rhino now! Cy! Gimme a boost! Raven; cover! GO!"

Rhino Beast Boy went flying through the rows of gun turrets, knocking out as many as he could, clearing a path for Cyborg, who ran to the center and made a makeshift platform out of his interlaced fingers. Robin charged towards him and leapt off the android's hands as Cyborg heaved Robin upwards as hard as he could. Raven grabbed the turret pieces from Beast Boy's rhino attack and began hurling them at the other turrets, drawing their attention away from Robin, who vaulted upwards into the air and began raining down explosive disc death upon the remaining guns. Starfire provided assistance wherever necessary. The battle was over. The Titans had not taken a single hit.

The point counter on the control box read 1966.

"Aw-RIGHHHTT!!!" Cheered Cyborg.

"Dude, we SO kicked butt!"

"Glorious!"

"YEAH!"

"Woo-hoo..."

There was a clapping sound from the far corner. Ryan was applauding them. He pushed off the wall and walked over to where the Titans were standing.

"Bravo, team. But as a wise man once said; robots and simulations can only prove so much."

"Got any better ideas?" Robin challenged him.

Ryan ignored him.

"You've got to learn to improvise. You're concentrating too much on set attack patterns and battle plans. This is good... if you're a counter-terrorist squad with MP5's running around sniping people. In war, strategy is key. In battle, you'd be surprised how little it counts for. Oftentimes, things won't go your way. A fight never turns out exactly how you expect it to. Your enemy will be thinking on his feet. No battle plans, no attack patterns. Fighting a computer and fighting a real live person are two totally different things. I figured you'd have known that by now. I think what you guys need is some serious live fire training. Real enemies, real combat. And your first opponent is right here."

He spread out his arms and stepped back.

"Come and get me... Teen Titans."

"Dude," said Beast Boy, "are you serious?"

"C'mon man, you can't expect us to fight you."

"Yes, brother! We should not fight!"

"It's training, Kory. You want to get stronger, don't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"We can't..."

"All right then! Allow me to make the first move!"

Ryan charged right at them, as he approached, he chose his target and leapt into the air, soaring straight at Robin foot-first.

He connected with full force, sending Robin flying across the room and into the remains of one of the gun turrets. Cyborg now entered the fight to help his friend, bearing down on the Tamaranian with a shoulder charge. Ryan ducked, snatched Cyborg's leading arm and rear leg, and threw him towards Raven. Raven threw up a shield of obsidian, and Cyborg bounced off it and collapsed on the ground. Beast Boy attempted to ram - ram Ryan, but he grabbed the changeling by his curly horns, lifted him up into the air and brought him back to Earth with a loud crunch. Raven and Starfire finally decided to get in on the game and made a double attack on Ryan, turret parts and starbolts flying.

Ryan smirked. This was finally getting interesting. He lifted his leg and simply struck down the projectile barrage with a storm of high-speed kicks. Dust and smoke from the failed attack filled the air. Starfire and Raven peered cautiously through the flying powder, but no Ryan was to be seen. Perhaps the attack _had_ worked after all.

Unfortunately for them, it was not so, as Ryan exploded out the top of the cloud, trailing wisps of dust in his wake. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a metal rod, the same one Beast Boy had picked up earlier. With a swishing sound and a flash of light, the rod was extended to Bo length. Ryan fell through the air straight at Raven, who waved her hand through the air, leaving a trail of black energy that deflected Ryan's blow. But he wasn't about to give up yet. After a series of failed sweeping attacks, Ryan went for a jabbing tactic, with was executed with great success. He caught Raven a few crushing blows to the side, then jabbed forward and pierced the neck of her cloak. He switched his hand position and shifted to a Crane levering throw stance, pushing down with his rear hand and up with his front, sending Raven flying into the air with a spin of his staff. He spun the staff once again, switched back to sweeping stance, and smashed the staff into Raven in midair as she fell back to his level, sending her soaring across the room. Starfire tried to charge him from behind, but Ryan sensed her coming and rammed his elbow backwards into her stomach. As she doubled up, he snapped his fist back over his shoulder, catching her right in the face. He didn't even have to turn around.

Cyborg and Robin burst out of the cloud of dust as it cleared, Robin leaping off of Cyborg's back and coming down with his own Bo staff.

CLANG!

Ryan blocked, and the two metal rods bounced off each other, sparks flying. Robin swept his staff left and right, furiously trying to get in a hit, but Ryan was blocking well and keeping his cool, as Robin rapidly lost his. Ryan was becoming annoyed at Robin's failure to land an attack.

"Keep calm. You blows are getting sloppy. And on top of your attacks' usual flamboyance, it's nearly impossible for me _not_ to block you. You're better at this than I am. You just can't stay focused. I want you to CONCENTRATE!"

Ryan dashed Robin's staff to the side with a swiping block and brought his own Bo down, smashing Robin's staff in two.

Cyborg had stopped fighting. He just stared at the two going at it. The others rose, groaning, to their feet and began watching as well.

Robin rolled to his shoulder, snatching up the other half of his weapon. He came to a stand slightly crouched, one stick in each hand, staring at his opponent. Ryan stared back.

_Concentrate._

_**Concentrate.**_

_**CONCENTRATE!**_

A trickle of sweat ran down Robin's face and dripped off his chin. It hit the floor.

_Plink._

Another drop.

_Plink._

_Plink._

Robin never took his eyes off of Ryan.

Concentrate... Concentrate... 

_Plink._

Robin breathed through his nose, slow and steady.

Concentrate... 

_Plink._

_Plink._

Ryan's right foot moved out just a fraction of an inch.

Robin's eyemask widened.

"_Sweep from the right!"_

Suddenly, Ryan launched at Robin. From the right. His staff arced out towards the Boy Wonder...

...and was trapped by Robin's crossed staff halves. Robin shifted to the right and pushed left and down with his cross-block, taking Ryan's staff with it. He swung the block one hundred and eighty degrees and jammed both halves deep into the mat covering the floor, trapping Ryan's staff between the ground and the crossed sticks. Robin jumped off the cross, driving it deeper into the ground as he soared up and planted his foot in Ryan's face.

"KIAI!"

"UG!"

Ryan let go of his weapon and skidded across the floor.

The Titans cheered.

"BOO-YAH! You got him, man!"

"Dude! That was totally awesome! You went Crouching Tiger all over his ass!"

"Most impressive!"

"That was... really good..."

Ryan arched his back, rocked back wards, and vaulted onto his feet. He smiled at Robin.

"I told you that you were better at this than me."

"I guess you were right!"

Ryan retrieved his staff, retracted it, and put it back in his jacket.

"Was that a compliment or an insult? I couldn't tell."

"Little of both."

Ryan turned to his sister.

"You okay, Kory? I got you pretty bad there."

"I am unharmed. Although I wish to know why you attacked us."

"I thought you would have understood. That was exactly the kind of training you guys need. Your enemies aren't going to wait for you to make the first move. They're going to be unexpected and brutal, and you need to be prepared."

"I... understand. The nature of such villains is most vicious indeed."

Raven clutched a bruised rib.

"You weren't kidding about that 'brutal' part..."

"Heh... sorry about that..."

"I've been through worse. We all have."

Robin placed a hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"You may have unorthodox methods, but as much as I hate to admit it, that was truly effective training. Do you think we could have a few more sessions like this one?"

"Are you paying me?"

"Err... no."

"Well, then I... ah, what the hell. I'll do it."

"Great! Same time tomorrow?"

"Whatever."

"All right then. Everyone get showered, then meet me in the main room. We're gonna look for leads on that frogman character."

Beast Boy rolled his eyes.

"Tuh. So much for goin' easy on us..."

-------------------------------------------

A few hours later, the Titans and Ryan were seated in the kitchen area, slurping down instant noodles and discussing the frogman. Robin was, for the moment, absent, off searching for information on the criminal.

"Okay..." Cyborg opened. "This crazy frog dude walks out in the middle of a street, blows people up, summons a whale, and takes us apart at the seams. Er... motive, anyone?"

"Well, I think it's safe to scratch 'serial killer' off the list," joked Beast Boy.

"Agreed..." Starfire replied seriously, "this amphibian creature appears to have no true method to choosing his targets."

Raven set down her chopsticks and rested her chin on her hand, and began to talk, not actually looking at any of them, but just staring straight ahead.

"When the battle began, my first thought was to mind scan that... thing... and discover an identity, a motive, an emotion. Anything. But..." she paused. "I saw nothing. Nothing at all, as if the thing was some sort of robot, a mindless automaton with no motive except the destruction itself... "

Cyborg let out a mechanical sigh. "This is getting us nowhere. I hope Rob comes up with a positive ID."

As if on cue, Robin stepped out of the elevator and flopped down in a chair.

"Nothing. Not one trace. No previous hits. No sightings. No ID. No location. No NOTHING! It's as if this thing never even existed!"

"Well we didn't have much to go by. Just appearance, and that could've been drastically altered at any time. Perhaps even at will, judging by his powers," Raven mused.

"Demented insanity like that doesn't happen overnight... it would have to be a gradual thing. There would have been past incidents."

Beast Boy started. "Ya think... nahhh..."

"What is it BB?"

"Well, I was just thinking... you think we might have a potential second Joker here? I mean, picture this: some ordinary dude, working in some chemical plant, gets dumped in a vat of wacko juice and turns into that insane frog thigamajig."

"Highly unlikely. They aren't about to let something like that happen again. There just aren't gigantic open vats of volatile chemicals that just incidentally cause insanity in humans sitting around for no reason anymore. Industry has learned its lesson, believe you me..."

"I guess..."

"Well, there's no use moping about it. All we gotta do is wait till he strikes again. Then we take him down. Simple as that."

"No Cy, it isn't. It's nearly impossible to beat him with those wacky powers of his. We'd be down before we knew what hit us."

"Yeah, how the heck did he do that stuff anyway? If that's a metahuman power, then that guy must've hit the superpower jackpot."

Beast Boy rubbed his green fuzzy chin.

"No... I was the last to fall. I saw him beat all of you, and every time something happened to one of you, he shouted, albeit incoherently, into that little black thing in his hand. He gave it a command, told it what to do. I think that black thingie is the source of his powers."

"So, if we take out that box, then we eliminate the threat."

"Who's to say there's a threat at all?" Ryan stated suddenly.

Everyone stared.

"Man, he turned my arm into Jello. In what universe does that not constitute a threat?"

"Is your arm Jello _now_?"

"No..."

"Is Robin still a piece of wood?"

"No."

"Is Beast Boy sti-"

"Okay, okay! I can see what you're getting at! Sorta..."

"Alright, see here. The frog had you under his ugly-ass boot. You were all either dead or disabled. Now you're all perfectly fine. Something... is weird."

"Perhaps he's more of a devious troublemaker rather than a cold-blooded killer. He took us out, but used his insane powers to bring us back," suggested Robin.

"I somehow doubt that. Mercy is probably the last thing on frogman's mind. More likely, the effects of his powers are only temporary. After a period, whatever he's screwed up turns back to normal."

"I suppose that's a possibility."

Raven cut in. "Regardless, we haven't a clue as to who this guy is, where he's from, or when, where, and if he'll strike next."

"So... we can't do jack?"

"Not until he does."

Robin sighed.

"Back to square one..."


	8. Arfenhaus Drive, Chapter 3

Sorry about the wait! I've just been busy. Anyway, enjoy!

-------------------------------------------

Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 3: Gerbils, Gerbils, Gerbils (get the reference, win a prize!)

-------------------------------------------

_Fzzt _

-ow we do this is, you first take an ordinary-

_Fzzt _

-in three easy steps!

_Fzzt _

-ou tired of muscle cramps?

_Fzzt _

Ehehehehe… _doody…_Eheheheheh… _diarrhea…_

_Fzzt_

Then add the nutmeg…

_Fzzt _

"For God's sake, Rob, pick a channel and stay with it."

"No! I can't believe this! We've got over two hundred channels, and not ONE with the news on!"

"Go back to _Family Guy_, that was a good episode."

"NO!"

Ryan looked up from his car magazine and elbowed Beast Boy.

"Dude, what's the deal with _him_?"

"Aw, he's just cranky 'cuz we lost froggy. He always gets like this when there's nothing to do."

"Jeez, somebody find this boy a girlfriend…"

"I've GOT a girlfriend, thank you very much!" Robin roared without turning around.

"Oh yeah, what's her name?"

"Er… CINDY! GO AWAY!"

Ryan and Beast Boy sniggered behind their hands.

"Okay, what's her last name?"

"I- Robin! I mean, er- Bob! CINDY! John! Johna…thon- stan- burg… Yeah."

Ryan and Beast Boy were cracking up by this point.

"Robinbobcindyjohn-john-athonstanburg?"

"_HAHAHAHAHA_!"

"Shut up! Hey, SHUT UP! That's not funny! And I'll tell you another thing! She's… um… very sensitive about her last name!"

"_HAHAHAHAHA_!"

The doors to the boys' rooms hallway opened, and Cyborg stepped out. He chuckled as he walked up to the fuming Robin.

"One, what's going on? And two, do I get a turn?"

Beast Boy wheezed between laughs.

"Sure, go ahead."

Bebebebebeeeppp… 

Cyborg looked at his arm.

"Whoops, no time. Robin! We got a live one!"

"Where are Raven and Starfire?"

"On the roof, meditating!"

"Okay, where are we headed?"

"We're close. It's the mall."

"Theives?"

"Vandals."

"They called US for vandals?"

"Er… sez here they've got weird powers, and… Whoa! It's Mumbo and Bad-Man!"

"Working together?"

"That's what it looks like."

"Alright then, we'll need the full team for this one. Cy, let's take the T-car. Beast Boy, get Raven and Star on your way out."

"Gotcha." He ran over to a window, slid it open, and flew up towards the roof as a hawk.

As he and Robin headed for the elevator, Cyborg stopped to talk to Ryan.

"Ey man, you want a chance to kick some bad dude ass? We could use the help too."

"Can't. Sorry."

"Later, then."

-------------------------------------------

Down at the shopping center, Mumbo and Bad-Man were using their Arfenhaus controls to smash, blow up, and generally obliterate everything they saw. The blue magician was having the time of his life.

He waltzed into a clothing store, eyes locking on to a rack of hats. 25 off.

"Ooo! Hat trick! Ha ha ha!"

The hats suddenly grew fangs and began eating everything else in the store.

Meanwhile, Dr. Bad-Man was chasing an innocent bystander, shouting constantly into his Arfenhaus remote.

"Giant bee! Apple tree! Bobby Lee! Two times three!"

The man he was chasing turned into an insect, a tree, an Asian guy, and the number six.

"Applesauce!"

The man turned into a giant puddle of applesauce, which several other running people slipped in.

"WHOO-HOO! Surf's up, DOOD!"

The front of the clothing store exploded outward, and Mumbo, perched atop a coatrack, and garbed only in ridiculous happy-face boxer shorts, rode an enormous wave of grape soda out of the store. He slid to a stop in front of Bad-Man.

"Whee! Ha ha ha! This is the greatest thing ever!"

"Yes, but remember the purpose of this exercise. If we cannot draw out the Titans, then this whole plan will be for naught."

"Hmm… yes. Where are those menaces? They're usually here by now…"

THOOM 

A nearby wall erupted outward and Cyborg came thundering through, closely followed by Robin. Cyborg craned his neck and looked about the trashed shopping center.

"No sign of the others. Guess they're not here yet."

"Doesn't matter! Let's go!"

Robin pulled his staff and leapt at Doctor Bad-Man, swinging his staff straight down at the villain's head.

There was a resounding crash as Robin's staff connected. However, the staff did _not _connect with the evil doctor's head as Robin had planned, rather it hit a toilet bowl which had suddenly appeared where Bad-Man was standing but a moment before.

Robin snarled as he was pelted with bits of porcelain. Powder filled the air, blocking the hero's view. Robin swirled his cape about him, effectively clearing the cloud of powdered ceramic. As his vision cleared, Robin took a quick look around him and was instantly puzzled: the villain was gone. How did Bad-Man do that? Did he have some sort of magical toilet power? And where was Mumbo?

His question was answered as a giant rubber Mumbo-ball smashed into his back.

"Muhahaha! Feel the wrath of… _The Amazing Mumbo!_ Thank'ya, thank'yaverymuch, ladies and gennelme- WHOOF!"

Cyborg's sonic cannon blew him through a wall.

"You okay Robin?"

"I'm fine! Where's Bad-Man?"

"Gone. Dunno where though…"

"Oh jeez."

"What?"

"Turn around."

A stampede of various wild animals was charging down the corridor at them. Snorts, growls, and the occasional "moo" echoed down the chamber.

"Pattern Epsilon twelve!" Robin shouted.

"Roger!"

Two panels on Cyborg's chest slid open, revealing two rows of small missiles.

"Locked and LOADED!" He roared.

"What the heck are you doing?!" Robin shouted.

"Um, pattern Epsilon twelve?"

"That's not Epsilon twelve! That's Delta fourteen!"

"No, Delta fourteen is the Flying Armadillo Cannon!"

"NO, that's Gamma two!"

"Fine, then what do YOU think Epsilon twelve is?"

"RUN LIKE HELL!"

And then the elephant hit him.

Or it might have, had Starfire not snatched him into the air at the last moment. Robin stared at the sea of animals thundering by below him.

"Cyborg!"

"Right here!" Cyborg yelled from the back of a green pterodactyl.

Raven levitated up between the two.

"Where are Mumbo and Bad-Man?"

"Right here, you FOOLS!" Doctor Bad-Man roared at the Titans from his position on the back of a water buffalo.

"And now, we'll finish you!" Shouted Mumbo from atop an ox.

"Y'know," said Cyborg, "if you two didn't look so ridiculous, that might've actually been dramatic."

"CAN IT!" Bellowed Bad-Man.

Cyborg's head turned into a can of peaches.

Starfire screamed.

"EEEEEEKK!"

Robin screamed.

"GET HIS ASS!"

-------------------------------------------

Bwoowoowoowoowoowoo-fzzt-fzzt-zzt… 

"For _Goraan'a_'s sake! This is where you should run! Why are people in these horror movies all so STUPID?!"

Ryan, bored and left with nothing to do, had raided Cyborg's DVD collection, selecting _The Ring_ from the massive archive of movies. In retrospect, it was a poor choice, as he'd already seen the movie twice, and the terror and disturbing-ness of it all sort of wears off by the third time. Safe to say, he was pretty bored.

Unbeknownst to him, he was about to have some very unpleasant company.

-------------------------------------------

A chubby, disturbing, familiar looking little man with spiky green hair stood at the base of the giant T, little black box in hand. He spoke.

"M3 g0 Up n0uu! G3t In5Id3!"

A bright flash of light, and L33t was streaking off towards the roof. He hit the bottom of the T's crossbar and phased through, passing out of view.

-------------------------------------------

Ryan sighed. The movie was almost over. Suddenly he jolted upright.

"Whoa! What the heck?"

The movie had blipped out, and the "ring video" was playing again. Ryan gave this a moment's consideration and glanced suspiciously at the elevator doors.

"Ha ha. Very funny, guys. You can come out now."

No one came.

He looked down at the couch. The remote was still there. He cocked an eyebrow and looked back at the TV. The well scene. Except… there was something crawling out of the well.

"I don't remember THAT happening the last two times…"

The thing emerged from the well and began slowly walking towards him, the black and white scenery a stark contrast to its neon green hair and yellow jumpsuit…

Ryan just stared blankly at the thing for several seconds before realizing what he was doing.

Nothing.

He considered simply destroying the TV, but that would just land him a heavy bill to foot. He gave a little thought to the situation, and walked over to the electrical plug for the television. He looked back at the screen. A second passed. Two. Three.

And then L33t's hideous head emerged from out of the screen.

And Ryan pulled the plug. The TV blipped out and the head… well… it fell off. Ryan smirked and picked up the head by its pointy hair.

"TAKE _THAT_ YOU FROG-FACED BASTARD!!!"

There was a pause of several seconds as Ryan silently stared at the head. Then…

"j00 Di3z0rZ n0uu CU2 I KI11Z j00!"

"GAHH!"

Ryan flung the head over his shoulder, upon which it slammed into the kitchen counter, went into a backspin, and crashed into the fridge.

"BOO-YAH! Eat it froggy!"

All of a sudden, L33t's decapitated body exploded from the fridge, throwing food everywhere.

"Whoo, didn't see _that _coming…"

The headless flesh golem picked up its head and literally screwed it back onto its shoulders. L33t coughed and spoke into his Arfenhaus control.

"R48iD g3r8i1 c4nn0n!"

A massive launcher materialized on L33t's shoulder.

"Oh Jeebus."

-------------------------------------------

Ka-BOOOM! 

"GUAGH!"

Robin was thrown backwards by the explosion as the clown detonated in his face.

Ka-BOOOM! 

"WAAAA!!!"

Thud.

A flying, smoking green thing came smashing into the ground alongside Robin.

A dazed Beast Boy sat up and shook his head violently.

"Sooo… Robin, how's it hangin'?"

"Not so hot. Move for the fountain! We can regroup there!"

"Okay! But, um, how do we get there? There's exploding clowns everywhere."

Robin jumped onto Beast Boy's shoulders.

"Turn into something big!"

"Gotcha!"

Suddenly, Robin was sitting atop a rhinoceros. The green beast charged towards the large fountain in the middle of the plaza, but was intercepted by Arfenhaus-generated, suicide bombing clowns, which proceeded to throw themselves against the rhino's thick hide.

Meanwhile, Bad-Man and Mumbo were huddled behind the counter of a shoe store, getting pelted by starbolts and potted plants.

"Make more clowns! We've got to get out of here!"

"I can't! The signal isn't strong enough!"

"What?!"

"Can you hear me now?" Bad-Man spoke into his control with no avail.

"That's it! I can't be hiding behind a counter! It's bad for my "evil" image! I've got a reputation to uphold! Time for some Mumbo magic! AlakaNOOCH!"

FOOMP

A cloud of smoke rose from behind the counter, and the two evildoers were gone.

FOOMP

Bad-Man suddenly found himself in a restroom stall.

FOOMP

Mumbo appeared beside him.

"Are you getting a signal now?"

"Let's see… YES!"

"Let's make some clowns!"

They both simultaneously pressed the buttons on their controls.

"Exploding clowns!"

There was a popping sound as a clown appeared before them… then another, then another, then another. Before long, the entire restroom was filled with clowns: drooling, staring, gnashing, exploding clowns.

The villains smiled triumphantly.

"Exxxcelentttt…"

-------------------------------------------

Raven and Starfire crouched outside the door to the men's restroom.

"I hear voices."

"Do you think it could be the Man of the Bad and the Mumbo of the Amazing?

"Umm, sure…"

"Perhaps then we should investigate?"

"I dunno. It _is_ a men's restroom."

"Agreed. Resting men are not an entirely pleasant sight. I once saw Beast Boy sleeping on the couch. He was drooling all over the-"

"Not what I meant, Starfire. Okay, I'm gonna open it. You ready?"

Starfire nodded, eyes glowing.

"Here goes nothing…"

Raven's eyes glowed a dull white as she thrust out her hands, encasing the door in black energy and throwing it right off its hinges.

Raven stared.

Starfire stared.

Thirty-seven pairs of glowing eyes and painted faces stared.

And the chase was on.

-------------------------------------------

"GAHH! Not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool, _not cool_!"

Thoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoop! 

"SKREEE!!!"

Thud 

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!1!"

Ryan dove, leapt, ducked and rolled to avoid the rapidly firing projectiles from L33t's cannon. Dodging flying objects and energy beams was a common undertaking for any Tamaranian soldier, and was usually done with a smile and a wave, but this time, Ryan was slightly unnerved, to say the least. Beams he could handle. Bullets? No problem. Knives, glaives, chains, swords, punches, kicks, Blacktrinian slag catapults, and other such things of the "deadly" persuasion were of no qualms to Ryan. Flying rabid gerbils, on the other hand…

Thoop 

"SKREEE!!"

Thud.

The insane little hairball that L33t had just shot from his gerbil cannon had embedded its razor sharp teeth into the wall where Ryan had been standing just a millisecond before, as the alien sped off in the opposite direction.

This psychotic dance of fur and flight had been going on for a good five minutes, the room was covered floor to ceiling with crazy mammals, and L33t was showing no signs of running out of ammo.

Ryan sweated bullets.

"_This is getting me nowhere. Time to fight back, Anders…_"

The Tamaranian pulled out his trusty metal stick, extended it, and went to work. A flying gerbil got the business end of Ryan's staff and went flying through a window. L33t redoubled his assault, conjuring another cannon onto his left shoulder.

Thooopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoop! Thwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwokthwok! 

_Squeek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek-eek!_

Ryan charged the kitchen counter, twirling his staff in front of him like a killer fan. Gerbils hitting the staff no longer flew; they simply exploded. Several got through the swinging pole of doom and latched onto Ryan's arm, biting through the shirt and drawing blood. He was glad he wasn't wearing his jacket. He liked that jacket.

Ryan hit the couch at full speed and jumped off the back, gerbils flying off him as he soared through the air. L33t opened fire on the aerial target as time seemed to slow down.

Thooppp…thooppp…thooppp… 

_Swoooshhhh…woooshhh…wooshhh…_

K-thud…k-thud…k- thud… Whoooshhh… 

CLANG!

Ryan's staff jammed down the barrel of L33t's right gerbil cannon as time returned to normal. L33t fired, and there was a momentary silence before a sickening crunch and the explosion of the gerbil cannon. Both combatants were thrown backwards by the force, gerbil parts and cannon pieces flying everywhere.

Ryan rose to his feet, what remained of the TV he had just plowed into sparking wildly around him.

"Did I… win?"

"GUUUGHHHHGRRRRGG!!!"

L33t flew out from behind the kitchen counter in a mad dash straight for our hero.

…Upon which Ryan deftly sidestepped and back-kicked L33t through the sixth story window.

-------------------------------------------

Robin and Beast Boy had managed to reach the fountain and were now crouched behind it, out of sight of the marauding clowns.

Robin peered cautiously out from the corner.

"Okay, I don't see the others anywhere. I'll try to contact them with the communicators," he whispered.

"HERE???" Beast Boy asked incredulously. "Shouldn't we get to cover first? Hate to say it, but this fountain isn't exactly too much protection, and my insurance doesn't cover clown attacks."

"It's a central position. Easier to regroup here than some obscure location." Robin replied.

The Boy Wonder flipped open his communicator.

"Raven are you there? Where are you? Raven?"

"Uhh… Robbinnnnn…."

"Not now, Beast Boy! Raven! Come in! This is Robin! Repeat, this is Robin! Do you copy?"

"ROBIN!" Beast Boy shouted.

"Okay, okay! What?"

"That." Beast Boy pointed.

Robin looked.

"Ah, crap."

Flying straight at them were Raven and Starfire, followed by a horde of evil exploding clowns.

"Er, Epsilon twelve?" Beast Boy asked.

"MOVE!" Robin shoved Beast Boy out of the way and drew a handful of explosive discs from his utility belt, flinging them past Raven and Starfire and hitting the first wave of clowns, causing a massive clown-chain-reaction.

THOOMMMM!!! 

"Raven! Shield now!" Robin roared.

"Azarath, Metrion, ZINTHOS!" Raven cried, throwing up an orb of obsidian energy just as the expanding eruption hit them. The sorceress struggled to keep her arms steady as wave after burning wave of orange flame washed over the barrier. Raven grit her teeth. Seconds passed. Hours, it seemed. She dropped to one knee, pushing with all her might. The shield wavered. Beads of sweat fell. Robin was yelling something. She closed her

eyes. The sky was falling… The sky was falling… And then nothing.

-------------------------------------------

Ryan lackadaisically walked up to the gaping hole in the tower window, hands held behind his back. He peered downwards at the crashing surf below. Nothing there.

"EEEYAHHH!!!"

Ryan looked up as L33t's boot plowed into his head.

The two spiraled towards the waves and jagged rocks below, engaged in an insane struggle for control. Ryan grabbed onto the leg L33t had kicked him with and started spinning himself around using his flight powers. As the Earth zoomed up to meet them, Ryan heaved L33t's body over his shoulder and threw him downwards towards the bay.

"f1Y!" L33t screamed, sprouting tiny bumblebee wings from his back and zooming up to the tower roof, leaving a trail of pixie dust behind him.

Ryan jerked his head upward after him.

"Dammit, just DIE already!" He shook his head and blasted off after L33t.

-------------------------------------------

…_Raven?_

_Raaavennnn…_

_RAVEN!_

"_Hunh? What? Am I dead?"_

_No, no! It was all a dream! You're not REALLY a demon sorceress from another universe! You're actually a stupid, dumpy, teenager passed out in a public restroom after getting high on CRACK!_

"_WHAT?! NO!"_

_Yes! This isn't Jump City! This is Las Vegas! In a Carl's Jr.! You don't have any powers! Hell, superheroes don't even exist! Your real name is Pricilla A. Pimplepick, and you live in a run-down trailer park with your abusive mother! And it's about time you woke uppppppp…_

"AAAAAAHHGHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Everything in a fifty-foot radius exploded.

"Raven! What happened? Are you okay? Speak to us!"

Raven panted heavily, one hand clutched to her chest.

"All. A dream. All. A dream. Okay… I'm still here, right?"

A green head loomed over her.

"Dude, Raven, what the heck are you _talking_ abou- accckk!"

Raven suddenly reached up and grabbed Beast Boy's face with one hand.

"Ack! Raven! Stop feeling my face! OW!"

Raven sat up and removed her hand. Fuzzy.

"Okay. This is real. So, what happened?"

Robin knelt down beside her.

"You passed out after shielding us. Are you sure you're okay? You were acting like you were hallucinating or something."

"No, it was nothing. I'm fine. Really. …Where are Mumbo and Bad-Man? I need to pay them back."

"Gone, it would seem. Heat scanners and motion sensors are zee-ro." Cyborg said, looking at a readout on his arm.

"Cyborg. You're not a can."

"Another reason why I think they're gone. I believe the devices they were carrying, the same ones that the frog was carrying, I might add, only work within a certain radius. After leaving that radius, the effects of the device cease."

"That's a relief," chuckled Beast Boy, "I thought I would have to spend the rest of my life spoon-feeding you through your can."

"Man, that just sounded WRONG. And this could be a potential problem, too. With a timed range of effect, the things the device did would always wear off eventually. But with an area of effect, they could easily keep the device within the vicinity as long as they wanted…"

"…Permanently incapacitating us…" Robin's brow furrowed.

"Mm-hmm. Not good, eh? It's too bad, if we had managed to take one of those things, I might have been able to get a bit more solid info, and… Robin?"

"Hmm?" Robin turned around. "Sorry, I was just thinking. We have to be more careful. Though the sheer absurdity of their methods may distract us, we're still dealing with _three_ villains, almost certainly working together, who can bend the very fabric of reality with the touch of a button. We may not realize it, but this might very well be the most deadly situation we've faced thus far."

A chorus of nodding and mumbling followed.

"Okay, let's go back to the tower and do some research. I want everything you can find on reality-bending devices."

-------------------------------------------

Ryan peered over the edge of the tower roof. L33t had his back to him. Good. The black box thing was clenched in his right hand.

Ryan took a deep breath.

"…_Okay! Here goes nothing."_

He blasted silently over the edge and flew across the roof, hand outstretched. L33t didn't even notice until the two were side by side. Ryan snatched at the control, knocking it out of L33t's gloved grasp. The control clattered across the roof and eventually settled in a corner.

L33t glared for a moment, then dashed madly for the control. In split second Ryan had pulled his metal rod, still un-extended, and flung it at the speeding frog-man. It spun wildly and struck L33t in the back of the knee and he fell backwards in an awkward position. As he rose to his feet, Ryan was suddenly in front of him.

He drew back his fist.

"Lights out froggy."

The blow smashed into L33t's face, shattering his glasses and making him stumble. Suddenly, Ryan was behind him, jamming his knee into L33t's back. As L33t wheeled around wildly, Ryan jumped straight up and onto L33t's shoulders, then jumped again, forcefully plowing him into the ground.

Ryan kneeled in front of L33t's face.

"Ready to give up?"

L33t snarled and bit Ryan's hand with his disgusting teeth.

"Wrong answer."

Ryan's hand closed around L33t's face as he lifted him up by his head and plowed him up to his neck in the roof, sending dust and debris flying.

Still conscious, through some miracle, L33t began flailing wildly, attempting to pull his head out from the floor. After several minutes of this, L33t finally gave up and went limp. Ryan strode up, grabbed an ankle, and yanked L33t's head out of its imprisonment.

"So, are we done yet?"

L33t responded by kicking back with his leg, breaking Ryan's hold.

"What the-? How can he be that strong? …YIKES!"

A black-booted foot swung at his head. Ryan dropped down and rose up quickly, coming up with L33t's foot resting on his shoulder, with his right arm holding it in place.

L33t used his great lower body strength to tear his leg out of Ryan's grasp yet again, this time making a quick counter that connected with Ryan's stomach. Unfazed, Ryan wrapped both arms around L33t's kicking leg and hiked it between his legs like a football, bringing the reptilian man to his back. He finished by simply falling elbow-first into L33t's giant gut. L33t's uttered something that sounded like "gwoohpp" and went still.

Ryan got off of L33t's prone form, gagging.

"Ack, _Goraan'a_! Do you ever shower?!" He shouted at the body, "You smell like a bloated corpse! Ug!"

Ryan kicked L33t in the stomach again, just for the hell of it, and walked over to the Arfenhaus control. He brought it to his mouth.

"Handcuffs!"

Suddenly, he found his wrists chained together.

"Not for ME, you stupid thing! For HIM!"

The handcuffs popped off his hands, sprouted legs, and walked over to L33t, jumping onto his wrists and locking.

"Better."

-------------------------------------------

The silvery T-Car pulled up in the Titan's underground garage, the titans getting out and getting into the elevator.

"Lost another one."

"It happens."

"…"

"…"

The tinny elevator music was prevalent in the Titan's silence.

Ding! 

"Took long enough…" Robin commented, "I should have a look at the- WHOA!"

The living room and kitchen area were trashed. Glass, steel, chunks of the walls and ceiling, couch fluff, food, and the refrigerator were just a few of the things littering the floor of Titans Tower.

On top of all that, what looked like _gerbils_ were gnawing their way through various spots on the walls and furniture.

Beast Boy opened his mouth to say something, but he was shoved out of the way by Starfire, who looked about ready to cry.

"Ryand'r?! Brother, are you here? Where are you?! WHERE ARE YOU?!"

And then Ryan flew in through the window, unconscious frog dude in tow.

"Geez, I'm fine Kory."

"Oh, _tanyk-en Goraan'a!_" Starfire ran up and hugged him, and for once someone could one of her hugs without almost being crushed to death.She almost laughed. "I had thought for a moment…"

"What, that I might have been killed? C'mon, I'm the Pride of Tamaran, the greatest warrior in a billion years or more. I'm not gonna get beat by a FROG." He laughed. "Oh, and Rob, I brought you guys a present." Ryan threw the criminal onto the floor in front of him and shoved him toward Robin with his foot.

"We'll cherish it forever," Raven drawled sarcastically.

"What, you thought I meant _that_? Nah, that's just a bonus. I was talking about THIS." Ryan tossed L33t's Arfenhaus control to Robin.

"Ha ha! That's it! This is the device!"

"Well, this make things a whole lot easier," said Cyborg, looking the thing over. "I'll take it down to the lab and examine it. I should be able to find some way to counter it."

Robin smiled at Ryan.

"Looks like we owe you one yet again."

"No problem, man. You guys gave me a place to stay, and that's enough. I could live with fighting a few frog men for free room and board."

Raven glanced at Ryan's injured arm, and at the blood running down his shirt.

"Ouch. Did he get you?"

"_No_, I bit myself in the shoulder just to see what would happen," Ryan jeered sarcastically.

"Here, I can take care of that for you," Raven said, her hand glowing a dull bluish color.

"No thanks. This is nothing. I'll just clean it and let it heal on its own. Well, I'm gonna go take a shower. Later."

All five Titans stared after Ryan as the hallway door shut behind him.

Cyborg turned to Starfire.

"He's not fazed by much, is he?"

"No…" Replied Starfire. "He's just… like that."

-------------------------------------------

At the Arfen-warehouse, Mumbo and Bad-Man were discussing their plans of conquest.

Bad-Man smiled.

"L33t has not returned."

"Aaandd… this is a GOOD thing?"

"Yes. It means my plan is going perfectly."

"How's that?"

"Well, after I instructed L33t to attack the tower while we distracted the Titans, I figured on the defenses taking him out. When the Titans return, they'll find my unconscious toady, lock him up, and take his Arfenhaus control."

"Well how the heck is that good for us?!"

"First of all, I never really like L33t… But more importantly, those brats will trace the signal of the device to this location."

"Into the permanent-effect radius of the drive itself…"

"Precisely."

"That means…"

"Yes. We'll be rid of those meddlesome Titans. For good this time."

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!" 

End Chapter

-------------------------------------------

Next up: Final Battle! _Axis' Fall, Rising Up Again!_

Gundam Fight all set? _Ready_… _GO_!!! Wait… that's not right… CUE THE THEME SONG!

T-E-E-N T-I-UG! 

Ryan: (dusting knuckles) I hate that song.

Well… how 'bout this?

Chad Kroeger: _They say that a Heeeeeeroo could sav-_UG!

Ryan: I hate that one too.

Well then you do better! Before the pile of unconscious morons gets any bigger…

Hey you! Yes, I am referring to you, the person reading this. Pick a song and put it in your review. I'llchoose my favorite and stick it in the next chapter as the ending theme. Try to make it somewhat theme-related. Quick… before he kills someone…

Chad: Help meeee!

Ryan: (wielding a 200 pound axe) I'M GONNA CHOP OFF YOUR-

_CENSORED BY FCC._

_(See you next time!)_


	9. Arfenhaus Drive, Chapter 4

Cue the theme song!

Puffy Amiyumi: _When there's trouble you know who to- _KLONG!

Ryan: (holding guitar and grinning triumphantly) Axe'd.

Raven: (kicks bodies in disgust) Thank you.

Ryan: Uh-huh. Alright, before we begin; a few announcements: First of all, Overseer apologizes that this is so very late, but he's been busy. Disclaimers of past chapters still apply. And, as I recall, one of you noticed that I don't have enough weaknesses. Well, you can never have too few weaknesses, but in this case there's a reason. Read future chapters to find out why, though Overseer's crappy intro should give you a bit of a clue. As for the future appearance of Blackfire, Overseer regrets to inform you that this is impossible for reasons that cannot be revealed at this time. However, she is set to appear in future fics, so, Blackfire fans… patience. And finally, as per the no-longer-recent banning of songfics by FFdotnazi, Overseer sez:

"_I see no reason why we can't put songs by our favorite bands into our works. Honestly. I suppose you'll make up some excuse about potential lawsuits, but that's as much bullshit as script fic deletion. No sane band wouldn't want free publicity; especially on a widely used site like this. As long as authors give credit where credit is due, I see no reason to stop what we've been doing for so long. And so, I won't; and FF. net, if any band decides to take legal action against one of my songfics, I'll pick up the tab. Song, band, album, and copyright info is at the end of the chapter._ _STAND UP AGAINST THE MAN!_"

And finally, prepare yourself for a lot of reading!

Raven: Are you done?

Ryan: Yup. Everyone ready?

Lights switch on, revealing Cyborg on drums, Starfire on keyboard, Raven on bass, and Beast Boy on rhythm guitar. Robin stands next to Ryan. A microphone stand is between the two. 

Robin: HIT IT!

Cyborg: One- two- three- four!

Bass drum rhythm kicks up, followed by Ryan on lead guitar. 

Robin: _I hold the key to the ultimate dream,_

_the perfect construction,_

_the perfect machine_

_I've designed._

_Stronger than strong,_

_an invincible force._

_I'm the creator, I am the source._

_I'm the mind…_

Robin+Ryan: _I shall be one,_

_one with the world,_

_one with the sun. _

Up in the skies I'll be encountering paradise!   
Titans+Ryan: Savior machine! 

Robin: _Creation of mine!_

Titans+Ryan: _We shall be unified,_

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!_

Robin: _We shall observe!_

T+R: _Protect and preserve!_

_We shall be unified, _

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME! _

Slade: (steals Robin's mic) _You'll be MINE!_

Cyborg: _Devoted to science,_

_a seeker I am._

_Now I will bring _

_freedom and justice to man._

Starfire: _Up in the sky,_

_I will be free._

_My spirit will fly._

_And by my hand,_

_war shall be brought to an end._

T+R: _Savior machine!_

Robin: _Creation of mine!_

T+R: _We shall be unified,_

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!_

Robin: _We shall observe!_

T+R:_ Protect and preserve!_

_We shall be unified, _

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME! _

Trigon: _You'll be MINE!_

Raven: _I'm leaving the body,_

_I'm crossing the line,_

_To be an immortal,_

_I will be divine._

Ryan: (guitar solo)

T+R: S_avior machine!_

Robin: _Creation of mine!_

T+R: _We shall be unified,_

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME!_

Robin: _We shall observe!_

T+R:_ Protect and preserve!_

_We shall be unified, _

_we'll be TITANS OF OUR TIME! _

Chorus of Villains: _YOU'LL BE MINE!_

Ryan: _Forged by the fire_

_that's burning in my heart._

_Savior, my destiny!_

_I'm ready to depart!_

Robin: _Make me the one,_

T+R: _and set my spirit free!_

_Make me fulfill the dream,_

Ryan: _In eternityyyy!_

All: _SET. ME. FREEEEEeeeee_eeeeeee…

Overseer: That was Iron Savior's _Titans of Our Time_, and this is…

----------------------------------------------------

Arfenhaus Drive; Chapter 4 Final: Axis' Fall, Rising Up Again! (once again with the reference thing. _Hint: lyric, but not really_)

----------------------------------------------------

"Well, the results are in…" Cyborg announced, glancing at the slip of paper in his hand. "Robin, when it comes to eight month old Jimmy, you ARE the father."

"Ha ha."

"Okay, seriously now, this thing is like no bit of electronics _I've_ ever dealt with, and believe me, _THAT _is something."

"Could you figure anything out?" Asked Robin urgently.

"Of course! Man, what do think they pay me for?"

"Um… nobody pays us…"

"WHAT! Since when!"

"Look, would you just get on with it already?"

"Righrighright… here's what I got: First, this thing is totally nuts. It openly defies almost all known laws of mechanics simply by FUNCTIONING. As far as I can tell, the thing is an old walkie-talkie with a few extra parts, a rubber band, and a piece of cheese and a dab of hot sauce in the middle; no joke. Luckily I don't need to know _why _it works, only _how_. And the how is this: the device here is receiving a powerful signal from a nearby location. After getting this signal, it transmits the signal into a broadcast area of what I'd estimate to be about a quarter mile. Maybe just a little more. As long as something is within that radius, whoever's got this thing controls its very existence."

"Perfect." Raven drawled. "Did you find anythingwe _don't_ already know?"

"Of course! Would kill y'all to have a bit more faith in me? Geez… I feel so unloved…"

Robin stroked his chin. "Find a counter-signal?"

"'Fraid not, man. But I got the next best thing."

"Traced the signal?"

"Traced the signal. It's an abandoned warehouse down by the docks."

Robin smiled.

"Let's get cracking."

----------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile at the Arfen-warehouse…

"He's activated the tracer." Bad-Man said, glancing at a small PDA-looking thing in his hand.

"Good. Where are they?"

"Still at the tower."

"Still? Are you sure the tracer's active?"

"Of course, O technologically-disadvantaged one. Their tracer receives a signal from the Drive, and we can use the drive to track all devices utilizing the signa... _blah blah blah blah blah Arfenhaus blah blah blah signal blah blah…_"

----------------------------------------------------

"Look, we have to move _now_." Raven said. "If we wait any longer, they'll notice that their pet frog is missing and get suspicious. If they know there's any chance that we might have gotten a hold of any of those controls, they'll change frequencies, and then all this will be for nothing."

"No!" Robin shouted back. "Don't you see? This is exactly what happened these _last_ few times: we all get in a frenzy and run off half-cocked like some crazy redneck lynch mob and get our asses kicked! We're going to have to prepare ourselves. This isn't just another bank heist; this is serious!"

"Robin," said Ryan, looking up form the book he was reading (It's _Inferno_ if anyone cares), "the term 'redneck' is offensive. I believe the correct term is 'country music star'."

"I agree with Robin!" Starfire assented rapidly, the joke going completely over her head. "We have been doing most miserably as of late! Preparation would be most beneficial to our cause!"

"No way y'all! We have to attack right now and catch 'em off guard. Element of surprise and all that. Besides, I've got a secret weapon that'll-"

Beast Boy dropped to his knees.

"_CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG!_"

Everyone stared.

"Right then," said Cyborg after a brief period of stunned silence, "let's all get along down to the car. Then we can all get along down to the warehouse. And then after all this is over, we can all get along down to Denny's, because I'm starving. Sound good?"

Robin sighed. "Fine. Let's get this over with; but if any of you get killed, don't be haunting _me_."

(_Fast forward sixty years, Robin is wearing a tattered bath robe with a cape and is using his staff as a cane.) _

_Robin: GHOSTS! GHOSTS EVERYWHERE!_

_Doctor: Hmm! It seems you've got Pac-Man Fever! Do you have a strange desire for fruit?_

Robin turned. "Ryan, watch the place for us, okay? Oh, and the tower's automated defense network is up, so you shouldn't have to worry about an attack."

"Oh brilliant," Ryan said sarcastically, "I won't need another tetanus shot." He flipped on the TV as the heroes stepped into the elevator. "Gerbils. Sheesh. Only you guys…"

----------------------------------------------------

"HAH! They're headed for us now!" Dr. Bad-Man roared in triumph. Finally he had outwitted those blasted teenagers. "Mumbo! Get in position!"

"Ay ay!" Mumbo cheered, and threw his cloak up over his head, disappearing as the cloth floated down on top of him and appearing in the rafters, Arfenhaus control in hand. Bad-Man suddenly appeared next to him.

"Here they come…" The insane doctor whispered. "They should be at the door right about-"

KRA-THOOM! The T-car came crashing through the door, blowing the rotting wooden doors of the old warehouse to splinters.

"GO!" Bad-Man and Mumbo screamed simultaneously, as hundreds of evil, exploding, clowns suddenly erupted from the shadows inside the warehouse and dashed for the T-car. The marauding jesters piled themselves onto the car, leaping onto the roof and hood. Those who could not make direct contact settled for packing themselves around the doomed vehicle, a few of the more bold ones actually jumping onto the backs of those on the roof and hood. Finally, the clowns went off, the colossal explosion belching flames and clown parts into the sky. Seconds later, the flames met the T-car's gas tank, and if the sturdy vehicle was not doomed before, it most certainly was now, as the fuel ignited and exploded, incinerating the car from the inside out. After nearly a minute and a half of watching the display of flaming death, the two Arfenhaus-shielded villains in the rafters bid the flames to cease and dropped down from their hiding place.

Bad-Man and Mumbo gazed upon the charred wreck that had once been Cyborg's pride and joy and began to laugh. Yet the laugh was tinged with a sense of uncertainty: Was this truly the end of the Teen Titans? Had they really won with this one single stroke? It seemed too easy. They had to make sure. They be make sure their hated enemies were truly gone.

Mumbo made his way cautiously to the blackened frame of the T-car. As he reached for the door handle, his finger instinctively pressed down on the button of his Arfenhaus control; if the Titans had somehow survived, he would be sure to finish them. His gloved hand wrapped around the scorched door handle. He took a deep breath, and yanked.

Cr-_GRUNCH!_ The weakened door fell right off its hinges and fell to the ground with a crash. Mumbo laughed nervously and peered inside.

His blood turned to ice. There was an arm. A metal arm, sitting atop the gas pedal. The arm turned to Mumbo. It raised its fingers and…

…flipped him off.

"SHIT!" Mumbo screamed, forgetting the compressed button on his control. A massive heap of cow manure fell from the sky and buried him in its reeking mass.

Suddenly, a sonic blast ripped through the wall; and Cyborg, sans left arm, stepped through, followed by Robin and Beast Boy.

Robin smirked confidently, pleased by his most recent brilliant plan. "You won't get rid of us _that_ easily!"

Bad-Man screeched and clutched his bagged head. "Why! WHY WON'T YOU DIE!"

Then Cyborg saw his car.

"AW, MAN! IT'S TOTALED!"

"Small price to pay," pointed out the pile of crap.

"True dat." Said Cyborg, blowing the pile apart with his cannon as his arm reattached itself.

----------------------------------------------------

Back at Titans Tower, Ryan was sitting down to another round of Dr. Pepper and daytime television.

_Fzzt._

"_YOU SUCK_!"

"_NO, YOU SUCK_!"

"_NO, YOU SUCK_!"

"_NO, YOU SUCK_!"

"_POWER UP_!"

"_AHHHHHHHHHHH_!"

_Fzzt._

Dingdingdingdingding! 

"_Yoo win SOOPAH-TOASTAH!_"

_Fzzt._

"_Welcome back to the Jerry Springer Show_!"

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Finally. Civilized television… not. Where's that damn remote?"

----------------------------------------------------

"WALRUS!" Bad-Man screeched.

A massive walrus careened through the air and smashed its huge bulk across the floor where Robin had been standing just a moment before.

Robin cursed. He couldn't get in close enough to get in a hit.

"Cyborg! Blast him!"

Cyborg's arm converted to sonic cannon mode once again and he let loose, only to find his shots blocked by a… purple elephant?

The bag-headed doctor shrugged.

"Don't look at me."

"NOW I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!" Screamed a putrid-smelling Mumbo. "PIG!"

The weight on Cyborg's right arm increased slightly. Confused, he looked down and saw what appeared to be the hindquarters of a pig sticking out of the barrel of his cannon.

He shrugged and fired it anyway, blowing the pig straight out into Mumbo's gut and throwing the villain to the ground.

The blue magician staggered to his feet.

"I'll destroy you with the power of the ARFENHAUS DRIV-ugh!"

A Starbolt smashed into Mumbo's back and he went sailing across the room as Starfire lowered her hand, fully emerging from a shadow portal in the wall, Raven alongside her.

Bad-man watched his comrade go flying over his head and realized the battle was going against them. He snarled, pressing the button of his control.

"IT'S TIME FOR DOOMSDAY!"

Suddenly, a large gray mass came crashing down through the ceiling of the warehouse. As the dust cleared, it emerged, its massive muscles bulging, its huge bony jaw cracking: arguably the deadliest being in existence, the one who killed Superman himself (A long story whose details are not even known to me. Don't ask), the one, the only, DOOMSDAY!

…Well, sort of. The ultimate weapon of destruction was somewhat less intimidating in its pink frilly tutu. The great beast rose to a graceful position, balancing its one-ton form on a single toe; and began… to spin.

Bad-Man slapped gloved hand to bagged head.

"Oh, no…"

----------------------------------------------------

"AHA! EL REMOTE-O!"

Ryan triumphantly thrust his discovery toward the TV and pressed the button.

_Clik._

Nothing.

_Clik._

Nothing.

"Man, what's wrong with the clicker?" Ryan mused, studying the remote. Suddenly it hit him.

"Ah, shit."

----------------------------------------------------

Back the warehouse of randomness, the Titans, though they would never admit it, were being taken apart by the ballerina of doom. The frilly pink beast was decimating them with pirouetting fury. Strange as it was, the monster hardly noticed them, and probably would have only proved to be a minor annoyance had it not repeatedly smacked into the teen heroes as it danced about, smashing everything in its path. It had already easily warded off Raven and Starfire's attempts at attacking it.

Beast Boy boldly stepped up to stop the belligerent ballerina, transforming into a massive gorilla. Unfortunately for the gorilla, it wasn't half as strong as Doomsday, and thus was kicked deftly aside by one of the monster's slippered feet.

"I couldn't even get it to stop dancing…" Beast Boy groaned, getting to his feet.

"Forget him!" Shouted Robin. "Go after Bad-Man! All we need to do is take him out and it's over!"

"And I've got just the thing to do it!" Cyborg replied happily, pulling out what appeared to be the confiscated Arfenhaus control.

"All right! Take him down!"

"Okay! Umm… giant cheeseburger monster!" Cyborg spoke into the control.

Nothing happened.

"I SAID, giant cheeseburger monster!"

Nothing again.

"GIANT. CHEESEBURGER. MONSTER."

And the third time, Cyborg realized what was wrong.

"Ah-

----------------------------------------------------

"-SHIT!"

Ryan stared at the Arfenhaus control in his hand. Desperately he searched the couch and its surrounding environs to no avail: the remote was nowhere to be found.

Of course, this could mean but one thing: the control in his hand was the "secret weapon" of which Cyborg had spoken earlier. He must have taken the television remote by accident!

Ryan looked at the control in his hand, then at the TV, then at the elevator, then back to the remote. He sighed.

"I guess Springer can wait," he said, reaching for his shoes. He paused.

"I think maybe not," he said to himself, reaching instead for a pair of black leather boots, also his.

A minute later, he was in his car and headed for the docks.

----------------------------------------------------

Cyborg was angry. Very angry. The one time he DIDN'T need the remote, there it was. This just wasn't his week. In the past few days, he'd gotten his arm turned to jello, got beat up by a frog, had his head turned into a can, and now he was getting whooped by the ballerina from hell.

He looked down the barrel of his sonic cannon.

"_Well, you know what? My luck's about to change… boo-yah._"

He watched Doomsday spinning about the room, unfazed at the Starbolts, boxes, and exploding discs that were bombarding him. _Keeping his pattern…_ He watched Mumbo and Bad-Man laughing in the center of the chaos. He watched. And waited.

And waited.

And…

"_There!_"

Cyborg let loose a sonic blast into the ground at Doomsday's feet. The pirouetting beast tripped and went soaring through the air. Mumbo came out of his laugh just in time to see the monster come flying towards him. Bad-Man turned toward the direction of the girly shriek… and the one-ton monstrosity that was Doomsday plowed into him.

Or at least it _would _have, if he hadn't pulled out his Arfenhaus control at the last moment and commanded Doomsday to dissipate.

Cyborg blew imaginary smoke from the tip of his sonic cannon barrel.

"Good work Cyborg!" Robin shouted. "Now go! Get those controls!"

The Titans charged into battle, prepared for whatever was about to come at them.

"Boxes fly!" Bad-Man shouted.

Suddenly, the musty, decaying wooden boxes that filled the warehouse rose into the air and began throwing themselves around the room at random, forcing the titans to scatter.

Starfire, Raven, and Beast Boy flew up into the air, and Robin and Cyborg dove to the side to avoid the killer boxes. Cyborg whipped out his sonic cannon and prepared to fire.

"No!" Shouted Robin, blocking the cannon's barrel. "You can't fire now. We can't see through these boxes, and you might hit one of the others by accident."

"Well, then what do we do?"

"_We_ don't do anything."

"Huh?"

"Watch."

A moment more passed, and then all of the boxes stopped suddenly, hanging in midair. Another moment, and the boxes turned black and shot upwards, smashing themselves on the ceiling and raining down chunks of rotting wood.

Robin heard a familiar voice shout: "Shield!" and suddenly an enormous tongue erupted from the floor, curving to form a barrier over two crouching figures.

"There!" Robin yelled, flinging a freeze disc. The disc struck the tongue, freezing it solid, and a blast from Cyborg's cannon eliminated it entirely. Mumbo and Bad-Man darted in opposite directions to avoid the storm of Starbolts falling from the sky, Mumbo running for the far end of the building, and Bad-Man dashing behind the wrecked T-Car.

Mumbo reached the far wall and whirled around, raising his Arfenhaus control, and found himself trapped in a cage of enchanted box-wood. He paused momentarily, startled by his sudden incarceration, and a Birdarang soared out of nowhere and knocked the Arfenhaus control from his grasp and out of the cage. The magician let out a yell and drew his wand to blow apart the cage, when the wood suddenly went black again and the cage went shooting into the air, spinning and tumbling wildly. Raven kept up the spin cycle until she spotted something thin and black go falling from the wooden construct, upon which point she simply tossed the cage into a wall, depositing a very unconscious Mumbo on the floor.

"That's one down…" She began.

"…and one to go." Robin finished, taking aim with an exploding disc.

Robin threw the disc, tossing it rather than flinging it, so that it hit the floor in front of the T-car wreckage and slid under the body, and action unnoticed by the hiding Bad-Man.

At least, unnoticed until the car exploded, sending him into a wall.

"All right," Robin yelled, "let's finish this up and go home!"

"You got it! Boo-yah!" Cyborg let loose with a sonic blast, but it was suddenly blocked by an enormous slice of bread, which in turn exploded outward to reveal Doctor Bad-Man, seated in a minuscule clown car, dashing madly for the smashed doorway.

"Arg! You've ruined my operation here, but I shall return! AND THEN YOU SHALL KNOW MY RASH! Er… WRATH! MUHAHAHAHA-HARRGG!" The insane doctor laughed, then screamed, as a well-aimed starbolt blew his tiny car to smithereens.

Bad-Man sailed through the air, smoking and scowling.

"Blast! Airbag!" He yelled, making a rather ungraceful landing onto the enormous airbag that had just summoned.

Raven pierced the airbag with a large chunk of wood, causing it to explode violently, once again tossing Bad-man into the air.

"BAH! This grows tiresome!" Shouted the irate villain. "I'll show you the true power of the Arfenhaus drive! I shall become… A GOD!"

A brilliant flash of white light filled the Titans' vision, and by the time they had recovered, the light had been replaced by a much more unpleasant sight. It was Bad-Man… sort of. His bag-helmet had turned into a brown paper Egyptian headdress topped with a golden crown; and he had an elephant trunk, a halo, eight arms, a tail, and a long white beard. Red horns had sprouted from his head, a third eye grew in the middle of his forehead, and he now carried a staff with a trident on one end and an ankh on the other.

"Hmm…" God Bad-Man said in a deep, booming voice, "I really should have been more specific… Ah, well. FEEL THE WRATH OF THE HEAVENS! I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH GREAT BALLS OF BUTTERED TOAST!"

And, sure enough, enormous balls of buttered toast began to rain down on the Titans.

Robin cursed as he was flattened by a greasy, grainy mass; and Starfire soon followed, knocked out of the sky by particularly buttery blob.

"This is getting us nowhere fast," Raven stated with the air of one discussing the weather, "Cyborg, see if you can recover Mumbo's control; maybe we can use it against Bad-Man."

"Tried." Came the reply, as Cyborg held up the aforementioned control, with a Birdarang stuck neatly through the middle.

"Damn. How can we beat him? Every time it seems like we're gaining the upper hand, he pulls a new trick on us."

"I dunno. How can we beat an omnipotent psycho?"

"Pleah!" said Robin, spitting aside a bit of butter. "C'mon, this is a comic book universe, we get omnipotent psychos all the time."

"Maybe so, but forth wall-breaking isn't going to help," commented Raven.

"Agreed," said Starfire, floating down beside the group, "we must find a tactic to defeat the Man of the Bad."

Beast Boy sidled up alongside her. "And while we're discussing this, who's distracting God Boy?"

"Uh-oh."

KABOOM!

An enormous explosion erupted from the ground at the Titans' feet, throwing them backwards.

Recovering quickly, Starfire blasted the deity amalgam with twin Starbolts, only to watch them deflected by two of the monster's eight hands. A sonic blast from Cyborg and a barrage of Birdarangs from Robin met the same fate.

"Damn!" Cursed Robin, "Nothing we do has any effect, and he knows it. He's toying with us. He could take us out at any time with the utterance of a word."

"So then what do we-"

"ROBIN!" Shouted a familiar voice. Robin turned just in time to see something come hurtling through the air at him. He raised a gloved hand and snatched it out of the air. The Arfenhaus control! He looked up at the figure walking towards them, and smiled as Ryan came into view.

Ryan smirked. His trademark.

"Figured you guys could use all the help you can get."

"Hey!" Shouted Bad-Man from across the room. "Who's this guy?"

"Uh… um, yeah!" Robin put on a mock quizzical look. "Just who are you anyway?"

"I'm nobody important."

"Well then, "Nobody" welcome aboard."

"Yeah, well, I'm missing Springer for this, so let's make it quick, huh?"

"Right! Change him back!" Robin commanded his control. There was another flash of light, and Bad-Man was himself again.

"Curses!" Growled the bag-headed doctor, "Breadstick Bombardment!"

Thousands of bread sticks came shooting out of nowhere and began pelting themselves at the Titans.

"Giant bread monster!" Countered Robin.

The flying breadsticks suddenly stopped attacking and began forming an enormous bread-golem.

"Explode!" Responded Bad-Man.

The bread-being exploded into flames and disintegrated.

Robin grit his teeth. Another standoff.

"Titans! Huddle!" He shouted.

Once the Titans and Solfire had grouped, Robin had the device form a soundproof shield over them.

"Okay," he began, "fighting him head-to-head isn't going to work. We've got to sneak up on him. Now, once we break, Raven, I want you to take Ryan and teleport behind him while the rest of us draw his attention. Once he's distracted, you guys have to get that control from him. He doesn't seem to have any powers of his own, so once he's lost that advantage, he should be easy to beat. Got it? Okay, GO!"

The shield dissipated and the Titans went into action, with Starfire and Cyborg providing a projectile bombardment while Beast Boy charged as a rhino, and Robin tossed whatever he could think of through his Arfenhaus control, successfully diverting Bad-Man's attention away from Raven and Ryan, who disappeared into a shadow portal.

Bad-Man seethed. "You meddling brats! I'll crush you with my hammer of wisdom! HAH!"

Cyborg went down, crushed beneath an enormous dictionary.

"As for the lady, that's a nice can you've got there, mind if I cop a feel?"

Suddenly, Stafire's rear end turned into a can, which was promptly grabbed by a pig in a policeman's uniform. She shrieked.

"You chicken! I'll take a leg!" Bad-Man crowed.

Starfire turned into a roast chicken, and a drumstick popped off and flew into Bad-Man's outstretched hand. He took a bite.

"Hmm… It's not KFC, but it's a start…"

"Restore her!" Robin yelled into his control.

Suddenly, Bad-Man found himself holding something much bigger than a drumstick.

Starfire glared at Bad-Man's mouth on her thigh.

"Awh, thit." Bad-Man sputtered through his mouthful.

And then he was flying again, a Starbolt detonated right in his face.

"It's up… and it's GOOD! Looks like another Grand slam for Starfire!" Shouted Cyborg, pulling himself out from under the dictionary.

And then a hand closed around Bad-Man's collar.

"You're out." Declared Ryan.

"Bah! Unhand me!" Shouted Bad-Man to his control.

Bad-Man's hands popped off, taking the Arfenhaus control with them.

"BLAST!"

"Got it," said Raven, flying up beside Ryan with the control in her hand.

"MWWARRR!" Bad-Man lashed out suddenly, headbutting Raven and snatching the Arfenhaus control in his teeth.

"Handth," he mumbled, with some difficulty, through both his paper bag and the Arfenhaus control.

With a loud pop, his hands reappeared.

"HAH!" He hacked the control out of his mouth and into his hands.

"Unhand _him_!" Bad-Man shouted.

Ryan let out a yell as his hands disappeared before his eyes and Bad-Man wriggled from his grasp, dropped to the floor, and began to run.

"Er… RE-hand him!" Robin commanded uncertainly, as Ryan suddenly found himself the proud owner of two enormous robot hands.

Ryan snorted.

"_Luke_. _I_ _am your father_," he said sarcastically, flying after Bad-Man.

As he began to gain on the doctor, Ryan glanced at his metal hands.

"I suppose it's a stretch, but… Ah, what the hell… crazier things've happened today…"

He stopped floating in midair, and thrust his hand in front of his face dramatically.

"THIS HAND OF MINE… IS BURNING RED! ITS LOUD ROAR TELLS ME… TO GRASP VICTORY!"

Bad-Man stopped running and stared in disbelief at Solfire's robotic right hand as it began to glow a blazing red.

"HERE I GO… ERUPTING… BURNING… _FINGERRRRR!_"

Solfire flew at the evil doctor, his burning hand outstretched.

Bad-Man shrugged. "Okay, then… BOW TO THE MASTER!" He shouted, as his hands turned metallic as well and he sprouted a ridiculous Fu Manchu beard and spindly moustache from his bag, which made it look even more bizarre. "DARKNESS… _FINGERRRRR!_" He roared as his right hand began to glow a sickly purple color and he jumped up at Ryan.

The two cyborg-finger beings collided in midair, their "finger" attacks intertwining and locking, creating an enormous shockwave.

The Titans stared.

"This is the coolest, stupidest thing I have even seen…" Marveled Beast Boy.

The two combatants struggled for several more seconds before leaping backwards, putting a fair distance between them.

Ryan smirked. "It's time."

"YES!" Shouted Bad-Man.

Ryan- "THE ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE…"

Bad-Man- "…OF THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST!"

Ryan- "THE WINDS OF THE KING!"

BM- "ZENSHIN!"

Ryan- "KEIRETSU!"

BM- "TENPAKYOURAN!"

Both- "**LOOK! THE EAST! IS BURNING RED!**"

Both combatants drew back their hands on a "Kamehameha" pose, as orbs of light began to appear in their palms.

Ryan- "SEIKI-!"

BM- "-HA-!"

Ryan- "-TEN-!"

BM- "-KYO-!"

Both- "**-KEN!**"

The two fighters thrust both palms forward as enormous beams shot from their hands and closed the gap between them in less than a second. The two beams struck each other and the entire warehouse was enveloped in golden light.

Suddenly, Robin snapped back to his senses and began to charge Bad-Man, but was stopped by Cyborg's hand around his cape.

"WHURK! What? Cyborg!"

"Hold up, I wanna watch this…"

"You're joking!"

"…Yeah…" Said Raven slowly, "…me too…"

"But we have to-! We can-! I mean-!"

"Most beautiful…" Starfire remarked.

Robin slapped his hand to his forehead.

"Why do I even try?"

"Um… HELP!" Solfire shouted, straining to hold back the ludicrously large energy beam.

Robin threw a Birdarang, but it turned into a pineapple; and subsequent attacks suffered much the same fate.

"Robin," said Raven, "regular attacks won't work. Use the _device_."

"Okay… How?"

"I don't know; be creative."

"Ok, um…. OOH! I've always wanted to try this… I want the powers of Superman!"

_POF_.

Suddenly, there he was, garbed in the blue and red suit of the Man of Steel, comically sized muscles popping out from every inch of his arms and chest.

"All right! FREEZING BREATH!" Robin shouted, opening his mouth and accidentally spewing frost all over the other Titans.

"FREEZING BREATH!" Beast Boy yelled. "_FREEZING BREATH!_ Of all of Superman's power's, WHY would you choose FREEZING BREATH?"

Robin shrugged.

"Just be glad he didn't pick heat vision…" said Raven through chattering teeth.

THOOM- BRRZZZAKKK! 

"AYEEE!"

Something spiky and black went souring over the Titan's heads, trailing thick smoke behind it.

"Oh, FUCK MEEEEeeeeee…" Ryan called, as he soared through the wall and out into the bay.

"GO!" Super-Robin-Man ordered the frozen heroes.

"KRYPTONITE MISSLE LAUNCHER!" Bad-Man screamed.

"WHAT!"

FWOOSHH!

Bad-Man let loose with green missile.

"Ack! Change me back!" Robin yelled, just as the chunk of alien stone hit him in the chest, knocking him out.

"Rob!" Beast Boy yelled, as he turned into a wolf and rushed Bad-Man, bounding around him and taking the odd bite and tear at the villain's legs.

The doc whipped an aerosol can out of nowhere.

The label read: _Anti-Wolf Spray._

Bad-Man shrugged.

"It worked for Batman…"

Beast Boy yelped as he got spray of the greenish gunk in the face. Suddenly, he flew backwards, crashed through the warehouse wall, landed in the bay water and exploded. (**Author's Note:** If you got that reference, you know everything anyone ever needs to know about Batman).

Cyborg, Raven and Starfire exchanged odd looks and moved in cautiously, circling around Bad-Man.

Cyborg glanced sideways at Raven, then at the Arfenhaus control on the ground near the unconscious Robin. Raven gave a slight nod, and the three tightened the circle.

Bad-Man turned slowly, the Titans' positioning forcing him to take his eyes off of one of them to keep the other two in his field of vision. As he rotated towards Starfire and Cyborg, Raven quickly sent the control flying into her grasp with a telekinetic tug.

As Bad-Man whirled on her, Raven raised the control to her lips and said…

Nothing.

Raven stood with her mouth half open, but no words came. She was suddenly and rather abashedly aware of the fact that she had never the creative type. Quick as a flash, Cyborg leapt over Bad-Man's head, smashing him into the ground, and snatched the Arfenhaus control. Raising the device, he shouted, "MASTER CHIEF!"

And Cyborg was Master Chief. He pulled his energy sword and charged at Doctor Bad-Man, only to find that his sword was now an enormous tuning fork. Shrugging, he hefted the fork up and swung it all the same. It connected with nothing but air, as Bad-Man hopped quickly backwards… and tripped over Robin's extended Bo staff. As Bad-Man staggered, Robin brought his staff up and struck him in the small of the back, sending him into a blow from Cyborg's tuning fork, which sent him back towards an enormous low sweep by Robin. The Boy Wonder's staff caught the villain in the heels and threw him onto his back.

As Robin swung down for the final blow, a command from Bad-Man turned Robin's Bo into a giant smoked meat-log, which simply broke over the doctor's head. He scrambled to his feet and backed away slowly. There were too many of them to take on at once. With the full powers of the Arfenhaus drive at his disposal, he could have dealt with them easily, but now that they too possessed a control… things were dramatically different. Direct-effect commands were now useless, easily deflected by counter-commands from the enemy control, which meant no more soup can heads and spontaneous combustions. Things were becoming most difficult indeed…

----------------------------------------------------

Ryan spluttered, spewing a stream of salty water from his mouth. Flying out of the bay water, he shook his head violently, sending water spraying from his long hair. He snorted disgustedly and tossed his now limp hair out of his face. He looked at his hand. Back to normal. Floating down to the edge of the dock, Ryan closed his eyes and concentrated. A minute later, his clothes were dry, and his hair back to its original spikiness.

"That's bett- WAH!"

Ryan bent over backwards in a classic Matrix-dodge as a green wolf went flying over him, inches from his nose, and crashed into the bay beyond. Ryan stood and stared at the water for nearly a minute, watching as the air bubbles on the surface slowly decreased in number and frequency.

Finally he sighed resignedly, tossed his jacket onto the wood of the dock, and ran for the water. As he reached the end of the dock, he suddenly leapt into the air, did a 180 flip, and as he fell past the edge of the dock, grabbed it with both hands and inverted himself so that he held onto the dock with his hands and had his feet placed between them. He stayed in this position for a moment, pausing to take a breath, then let go with his hands and pushed hard with his feet. He shot like a bullet into the water as the edge of the dock literally exploded into splinters behind him.

Ryan flew through the murky bay water like a torpedo. He must've caught up to the green guy by now. He'd put a lot of force into that pushoff. Maybe too much. Had he overshot? He should've seen him by now. Then again, he couldn't see much at all.

"_Time to use the 'ole headlights…_"

Ryan closed his eyes, and when they opened, they glowed a bright gold color.

"_Ah, there he is. Looks like I don't have much time left…_"

----------------------------------------------------

Beast Boy was drowning. Yes, drowning. And for a guy who can turn into a fish, that's a big deal. Not that it was his fault. He had been unconscious and underwater just long enough for his brain to become oxygen-starved and useless. He couldn't have transformed now if had occurred to him to try. Then he saw the lights. Near-unconscious thoughts shot though his brain.

"_Ah, some giant, glow-eyed fish is coming to eat me… At least my body's going to a useful cause..._"

The light drew closer. Fast.

"_Huh? What kind of fish is THAT?_"

Then a hand closed around the back of his suit. Then he saw the hair. Long black hair.

"_Psh. Aqualad thinks he can save my butt. Like I need his help. I'm dead anyway. Even _he_ can't get me to the surface fast enough now… _" Then there was no thought at all.

He was right, too. And if Aqualad couldn't do it, Ryan certainly couldn't. And he knew it. Thinking quickly, Ryan hefted the dead weight in his hands. This was it. The last-ditch-effort. He drew back and threw Beast Boy with all his might, sending the unconscious changeling shooting back towards the surface. It looked as though they might have a chance. Then the momentum began to bleed. A few yards from the surface, Beast Boy stopped entirely and began, once again, to sink.

"_Dammit._" Thought Ryan. "_Dammit. Sorry kid. I tried._"

He stared at Beast Boy's soon-to-be-corpse. He clenched his fists.

"_Still trying._"

There was still a chance. One last way to do it. One last way to save this kid who never did anything but help people. He could fire a starbolt into the kid's back, and the force would propel him to the surface.

But that would mean he'd have use his powers, he'd have to throw it all away. His pride, his life, his friends, and his freedom… All his efforts of nearly a decade… Should he? _Could_ he?

He stared at his clenched fist.

No.

No.

He shouldn't.

He couldn't.

He swore he would never go back.

He swore he would never do it again.

That fist would never kill again. And if it meant the life of this kid, so be it. There were more important things at stake here than just one kid… Weren't there?

Then someone up there saved him the trouble of his own agonizing thoughts. Beast Boy was moving towards the surface. Coming back to his senses, Ryan followed.

He flew out of the water an onto the dock just in time to see something long and black come shooting out of Beast Boy's mouth. It stopped coming, and the changeling sputtered suddenly and sat bolt upright, coughing violently. It was then that Ryan realized that the long black thing was a stream of water. Magically enchanted water.

"Thanks Rae." Beast Boy managed to hack out between coughs.

"Don't thank me," said the gothic sorceress, "thank him." She pointed to Ryan. "If he hadn't gotten to you first, you'd be dead."

Her words gave Ryan pause, but he recovered quickly. "So," he said, "I take it the fight is over?"

"No, we should…"

"NO! You left your team in the middle of a battle to help wounded!"

"Robin's orde- hey!"

Ryan shoved her roughly aside and ran for the warehouse, taking flight halfway across the dock.

"Geez, what's his deal…" Beast Boy muttered.

"He's a soldier… different…" Raven responded. "But, unfortunately, he's right. We need to get back to the others."

"Okay."

----------------------------------------------------

Ryan reached the warehouse in seconds, and not pausing to find an entrance, plowed straight through one of the deteriorated walls, smashing into the tarp-covered box just beyond it. Ryan collapsed on the floor.

"_Youch. The hell? That thing should've been splinters…_"

Then…

"j00 HI7 M33!1"

Ryan let out a yell and scrambled backwards.

"Wait a second… that voice…" Ryan reached for the tarp's edge and yanked hard.

His mouth fell open.

"Wha-?"

There it was. The Arfenhaus Drive, in all its bizarre glory.

"I b3Z r3v3413D! LOLOLOLOLOL- MMMPH!"

Ryan tossed the tarp back over the drive, and with a rather disturbed look on his face, rejoined the fight.

And what a fight it was.

Robin was clashing staves with what appeared to be _Soul Calibur_'s Kilik, and getting his ass handed to him, Starfire was trapped in a mirrored bubble that was deflecting her Starbolts, and Cyborg was doing his best to fight Bad-Man on his own, clashing his tuning fork with the psychotic doctor's new weapon, a giant hammer with an enormous, pointed diamond for a head.

As Cyborg brought his fork down on Bad-Man, he spotted Ryan out of the corner of his eye.

"YO!" Cyborg yelled, tossing his control into the air.

Ryan caught it.

"Get rid of Kilik! Free Starfire!"

Kilik tuned into a refrigerator, and Starfire's bubble turned into gum and popped.

Bad-Man let out a roar, and flung his hammer into Cyborg's gut. As the hybrid doubled over, Bad-Man leapfrogged over him and slammed his feet into the back of Cyborg's head. As he flew though the air, he shouted something that none of the others could quite make out.

Then Starfire turned into an enormous cantaloupe.

"STARFIRE!" Shouted Robin, who was suddenly transformed into a ten-foot wood-carved replica of Paul Bunyan with a cape.

"Change them back!" Ryan commanded, pressing the button of his control.

"Don't!" Replied Bad-Man.

Ryan stared expectantly at the giant melon that was his sister. Nothing happened.

"Change-!"

"Don't!"

"Ch-!"

"Don't!"

Ryan ground his teeth.

"AHA!" Both combatants jumped at the sound; Cyborg had crept away from the main fight and had snuck around behind Bad-Man and fired at him with his cannon.

Unfortunately, Cyborg's cheer of victory gave Bad-Man the split second's warning he needed to turn Cyborg's sonic blast into a jet of Campbell's Chunky Noodle Soup, which splattered harmlessly, albeit messily, onto Bad-Man's suit.

"Pineapple head!" Bad-Man roared.

"Stop!" Ryan countered.

"Pine-!"

"Stop!"

Bad-Man paused.

"…Don't!"

"Stop! …DAMN!" Ryan gave a yell of annoyance as Bad-Man's trick caused Cyborg to sprout a pineapple for a head. "Give HIM a pineapple head!"

"Don't."

"Do!"

"Don't."

"HEY!" Someone shouted.

It was Beast Boy, with Raven at his side, emerging from a darkened corner of the warehouse.

"We found out what's been causing all this! We found the signaling device! It's there, in the corner!"

"That… that _thing_ was a machine!"

"Something like a machine at least…" Responded Raven, "we followed you through your hole, and we were going to come and help you, but we noticed that bread-thing… It seemed to respond every time someone gave a command, so we-."

SPLORCH!

Beast Boy's chest cavity erupted outward and an alien drone flew out and latched onto Ryan's face. It was all Raven could do not to scream.

"MMMPHH!" Ryan yelled as he clawed at his face in a vain attempt to get the alien thing off it. Realizing he had no hope of removing the parasite, Ryan tossed the control into the air, aiming for where he hoped was where he last saw Raven standing before this thing attached itself to his face. "RHHVN! CXXXCH!"

Raven caught the control just as the alien exploded in a shower of acid, taking Ryan's entire head with it. She stared at the piece of equipment in her hand and at the scene before her. Aside from Beast Boy's and Ryan's bloody remains, the picture looked almost comical.

"Ha ha. F- funny…" Raven noted the slight catch in her voice, and was suddenly aware of how much she was blinking. It took her a moment to take stock of what she was feeling. She could only imagine what Beast Boy must have felt the first time they had encountered the Arfenhaus Drive, before they knew that its effects could be reversed. She could only imagine what it could feel like to think, to know that all her friends were gone, and there was no bringing them back. But this time, she knew that there was a way. She had a control. She could still fight. And win. And then everything would be just like it was before.

But she knew there wasn't a chance. Bad-Man had taken down the other five, and they had all had the powers of the device as well. His mastery of the Arfenhaus Drive was complete. There was only one way to defeat him for sure. Her friends would understand that their deaths were necessary to bring down a madman with a weapon of unequaled power. She knew she would never be able to forgive herself, but she would have to sacrifice any hope of getting them back. She knew what she had to do.

Bad-Man noticed her hesitation and grinned beneath his bag.

"You realize, of course, that there is no hope. Your pitiful team of underage miscreants was no match, and you are no stronger than they; quite the opposite, in fact."

Raven said nothing, so Bad-Man continued gloating. "Perhaps you have a last request? Take it. The means are in your oh-so-unworthy hands. Maybe you want a last meal? Or perhaps you would bring your disgusting friends back so that you can all go to the beyond _together_?" Bad-Man cackled in triumph. "Hurry now, before I change my mind."

Raven lifted the control to her lips, gazing at Bad-Man over the top of the device.

_Forgive me… friends._

"Machine, can you hear me?"

A faint "y3zZ M4Z73r!1" could be heard from the corner.

"Then listen up. Destroy yourself. Take no further commands after this one." Raven tossed her control at Bad-Man's feet. "There. I'm done. Take your best shot."

Bad-Man's mouth went dry.

"No… NO! Drive! Stop! Cease! Abort! Reverse! Cancel! DO NOT CARRY OUT THE LAST COMMAND!"

Interestingly enough, the Drive actually ignored Raven's command about ignoring further commands, and proceeded to stop destructing, then cease stopping, abort ceasing, reverse aborting, and cancel reversing, at which time Bad-Man told it to nullify the last command, which was "Cancel", causing it to promptly explode anyhow, sending decades worth of settled dust and grime that had collected around the place flying into the air.

Raven couldn't see anything. It didn't matter. It was already over. She had stopped him. She had doomed all the friends she had in the world, but she had stopped him.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Raven heard Bad-Man scream. "YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! I'LL KILL YOU!"

K-DOOM! 

Raven's head snapped up at the sound.

Something large was coming straight at her at a rapid pace. She couldn't see just what it was through the dust, but it was big. Man sized.

Bad-Man sized.

Raven dodged to the side as the villain flew past her and slammed into the opposite wall like some psychotic, bag-headed human cannonball.

She whirled to face him, but found her vision once again obscured by dust and debris.

_Clak. _

_Clak._

_Clak._

_Clak._

Someone was walking toward her. Someone with very high-quality boots…

And then Ryan emerged from the dust, flicking his hand at the wrist.

"Idiot could've got away scot-free under cover, but no, he started yelling like an moron…"

Raven stared up at him as he walked up to her. After a moment, she took a step forward and wordlessly laid her head on his shoulder.

Ryan cocked his eyebrow. He'd only known Raven a couple days, but he was pretty sure that this wasn't something she did on a regular basis, if ever.

"Ah?"

Raven said nothing.

Ryan just stood with his hands slightly raised, as though someone was pointing a gun at him.

"Raven? You okay?"

"…"

Ryan thought he felt his jacket beginning to move on its own. He looked at his sleeve. It was curling, fraying, pulling itself apart.

"Wha-?"

Then he noticed it was a bit blacker than usual.

"Raaaavennn…"

Finally, she spoke. "Gone."

"What?"

"Gone. All gone. They're all gone."

"Who's gone, now?" Said Robin, walking to Raven's side.

"R-Robin? But…"

"But what?" Came a chorus of voices at Raven's back.

Raven's head jerked up, smacking Ryan squarely on the chin.

There were all her friends, alive and well and standing before her.

"But… you all… he… Oh my. How long have you been standing there?"

"A few minutes now."

All vestiges of color drained from Raven's face, and Ryan's jacket promptly ripped itself to pieces.

----------------------------------------------------

A day later, life was mostly back to normal at Titans Tower. All three villains were rotting in prison, and the Arfenhaus Drive was no more. The Titans had handled being briefly dead rather well, and had nearly forgotten the incident by next morning's breakfast. Raven, however, still wouldn't look Ryan in the eye, which was just as well, as Ryan hadn't stopped glaring at her, and had spent an angry, frustrated day and a half attempting to stitch the remnants of his jacket back together. When Beast Boy was brave enough to ask why he couldn't just buy another one, Ryan angrily explained that he had stripped the jacket off of a thug after a barfight, and couldn't exactly track him down to ask him where he had gotten it.

A day after that, with a rather rough-looking, stitched-up jacket on his back (admittedly, he liked the look), Ryan flipped open his cell phone and dialed the number that only he and a select few others knew.

"Seig? It's Ryan. Send the rest of my things. This city's positively crawling with prospect…"

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There! Finally done! Sorry again for the wait.

Now I imagine you're a bit confused about some things, but all will be explained in time…

See you next arc!

_Tonight's episode featured music by:_

Iron Savior-

_Titans of Our Time_, from their album _Condition Red_, copyright 2002, Noise Records.


End file.
